5.25.2016

escape.

i cannot
escape
you

no matter how hard i try

but
somewhere along the
way, i
stopped
wanting
to

5.22.2016

asleep.

there is so
much
in my mind
that i am not awake to

so many dark corners, so many
pieces so long unused they can
only be likened to
atrophied muscles

wake up! o and how long have i
been in this state

too deep to be
gently nudged conscious, i require
sirens and storms
to awaken me from
this sleep

5.17.2016

beholden.

it is so
easy
to forget
our frailty
i told life,
bring it on
and brought it life did
i was not
as ready
as i thought but
you stand by me, you
are patient as i
unravel, you
wrap me in your arms even when i
have been at my
worst, oh. you!
you top the list of
things
in my life
that i do not
deserve

dismantle.

i have been
crawling out of my
skin, wanting to
scream that
you
do not
have to dismantle me
to fix our problems

i have slept since then

today, i have been
arguing with the
whirlwind of
emotions that is my
subconscious, and i am saying
listen.

being dismantled is not the same as
being torn apart, it is not
falling to pieces, and if i would just
stop
being
so god damn stubborn and
open myself up to you in the
first place, you
could see inside, you could
see
all my pieces, you could
study me in all my
intricacies and i know
that if i break or
if i fall, you will be
standing right next to me
helping me pick myself back up and
pouring your
love into
all my cracks

5.15.2016

surrender.

seeing you
happy, hearing you
speak about how you have
not
felt
this whole
in a long time
is happiness
to me

your smile, your
laugh, your
cheesy jokes and the
way
you wrap me up
in your arms

these are the best things.

each day i
wake and i don't know
anything else anymore but to
pour
myself
out to you and i
am happy to give you
all of me, i have been
honored
to know you
to love you

but somewhere down this
road, i started to feel
empty. you are
building yourself back
up, making something
beautiful of all
your broken
pieces but i seem
to have forgotten
how to do that for myself, i
still fail you in
a million small ways
every day and i
am tormented at night by the
distance in your voice, the
hours we spend
apart, the few we spend
together just
tearing
one another
apart

i dream over and again of those three
small
words

one way relationship

but all i want for you is that
wholeness! that
healing! that
magic we used to
be to one another, just
/love/! i want
to be the thing you
dream of, the one you cannot
wait
to spend every
spare
moment with but i
am not her.
so

i love you
deeply
wholly
fiercely but
you
can go now

but please know that
/loving you/
has been the single
greatest
time
of my life.

5.13.2016

mortality.

watching someone who
raised you up in their womb become
intimately acquainted with
fear
of death
will change you
it will break down everything
inside of yourself that you
thought you knew as you replay
every
harsh
word
you have ever said to her
WHY
does it matter
how do we ever
let our anger grow greater
than our love
how are we ever so
consumed
with their mistakes that we lose sight of the
/human being/
living
breathing
loving you no matter the cost
how do we reach a point of such
arrogance to think
that to hurt you at all is not
punishment enough?!
i am so
so
self-
absorbed
and as i stir,
waking at two a.m. in this
camping chair on my porch,
half a pack's worth of
cigarette butts at my feet
killing myself
slowly
with grief,
i pick myself up
i carry my heavy feet to my bed
and i lie down
more awake this night
than maybe i have ever been
hopeful that this
resolve does not fade
too
quickly, that this
aching
burning
desire to emanate /love/
awe
deep, whole gratitude
to have been able to love her
to have the honor
of knowing her and to
stop.
being so
caught up
in all the pain she has ever caused me
it is important.
but it is small and she
is far
more
important.

5.10.2016

disbelief.

some nights i am in
sheer
disbelief
that you are mine, you bring me your
self and all your
stories at the end of the
day, your troubles, your
everything and you lie down in
my
bed
and kissing you tonight is
somehow piercing every
corner of my
being and if i close my
eyes real tight i can
almost remember the
first, you taking my
face in your hand, our
foreheads pressed together in
anticipation and even in
that
moment
i had already forgotten
how to breathe and by the time
your lips met mine i was
certain this was a
dream, some
divine subconscious euphoria because i
never knew, i didn't even
suspect that one person's
kiss could so captivate another, that
a pair of lips could make my
heart
race
like this
every time your
skin brushes against
mine, it is like
universes colliding and i
am swallowed up, i am
consumed and this
consumption is such that it
fuels me, it
inspires, it
awakens me to beauty in the most
ordinary places, you!
you smile at me and i am
home.

5.06.2016

survival.

to slide my
feet into a
pair of tennis shoes and
pound the earth is
poetry
to me

i love to run

and metaphorically too right because
do you even know a girl anymore who
hasn't been
assaulted
abused
hurt and
hurt and
hurt until
survival is
all she knows

and maybe she stumbles into something
beautiful but by then she
doesn't know what to do with it she
is feeling around in the dark she
longs to learn how to
let someone
in but
life after
survival is really just
a lot of face-planting
honestly

so she yearns to run but she
is hesitant, she is
uncertain, she is almost
unwilling to abandon the one
good
thing
she has found but she
is killing it
overwatering and under-watering and how long before the
roots are shriveled and she has
killed the whole damn thing

why aught not she run in the face of this?
of destroying the very thing she
loves as she
brings her damage and
lays it before his
feet

it is the only place that her
oppressors retain
power, the only
unsafe place, the only
place they
still
rule
her
with all the ways that they broke her and
all the ways that she
hurts him

so if she must run, let her do it
in place when she is
lost, in a permanent state of
motion, always
looking for ways to move
forward and, sometimes,
away from her
fear when it is
tearing into the
man she
loves
and maybe she fails and
fails and
fails again but she
has finally found one thing
beautiful enough to inspire her to
keep getting up, keep
fighting for more, he reminds her to
hope to find her way to
wholeness, he is
something worth
fighting for, and he
is worth
the struggle