6.13.2016

solid.

most days i am a
tangled
mess
of emotions, i dream of
being a rock, my
feet firmly
planted, i dream of being an
impenetrable fortress of
strength, my
feelings safely tucked into their
right and
proper place, i feel
weak for being so
easily
swayed but even the
earth
shakes

5.25.2016

escape.

i cannot
escape
you

no matter how hard i try

but
somewhere along the
way, i
stopped
wanting
to

5.22.2016

asleep.

there is so
much
in my mind
that i am not awake to

so many dark corners, so many
pieces so long unused they can
only be likened to
atrophied muscles

wake up! o and how long have i
been in this state

too deep to be
gently nudged conscious, i require
sirens and storms
to awaken me from
this sleep

5.17.2016

beholden.

it is so
easy
to forget
our frailty
i told life,
bring it on
and brought it life did
i was not
as ready
as i thought but
you stand by me, you
are patient as i
unravel, you
wrap me in your arms even when i
have been at my
worst, oh. you!
you top the list of
things
in my life
that i do not
deserve

dismantle.

i have been
crawling out of my
skin, wanting to
scream that
you
do not
have to dismantle me
to fix our problems

i have slept since then

today, i have been
arguing with the
whirlwind of
emotions that is my
subconscious, and i am saying
listen.

being dismantled is not the same as
being torn apart, it is not
falling to pieces, and if i would just
stop
being
so god damn stubborn and
open myself up to you in the
first place, you
could see inside, you could
see
all my pieces, you could
study me in all my
intricacies and i know
that if i break or
if i fall, you will be
standing right next to me
helping me pick myself back up and
pouring your
love into
all my cracks

5.15.2016

surrender.

seeing you
happy, hearing you
speak about how you have
not
felt
this whole
in a long time
is happiness
to me

your smile, your
laugh, your
cheesy jokes and the
way
you wrap me up
in your arms

these are the best things.

each day i
wake and i don't know
anything else anymore but to
pour
myself
out to you and i
am happy to give you
all of me, i have been
honored
to know you
to love you

but somewhere down this
road, i started to feel
empty. you are
building yourself back
up, making something
beautiful of all
your broken
pieces but i seem
to have forgotten
how to do that for myself, i
still fail you in
a million small ways
every day and i
am tormented at night by the
distance in your voice, the
hours we spend
apart, the few we spend
together just
tearing
one another
apart

i dream over and again of those three
small
words

one way relationship

but all i want for you is that
wholeness! that
healing! that
magic we used to
be to one another, just
/love/! i want
to be the thing you
dream of, the one you cannot
wait
to spend every
spare
moment with but i
am not her.
so

i love you
deeply
wholly
fiercely but
you
can go now

but please know that
/loving you/
has been the single
greatest
time
of my life.

5.13.2016

mortality.

watching someone who
raised you up in their womb become
intimately acquainted with
fear
of death
will change you
it will break down everything
inside of yourself that you
thought you knew as you replay
every
harsh
word
you have ever said to her
WHY
does it matter
how do we ever
let our anger grow greater
than our love
how are we ever so
consumed
with their mistakes that we lose sight of the
/human being/
living
breathing
loving you no matter the cost
how do we reach a point of such
arrogance to think
that to hurt you at all is not
punishment enough?!
i am so
so
self-
absorbed
and as i stir,
waking at two a.m. in this
camping chair on my porch,
half a pack's worth of
cigarette butts at my feet
killing myself
slowly
with grief,
i pick myself up
i carry my heavy feet to my bed
and i lie down
more awake this night
than maybe i have ever been
hopeful that this
resolve does not fade
too
quickly, that this
aching
burning
desire to emanate /love/
awe
deep, whole gratitude
to have been able to love her
to have the honor
of knowing her and to
stop.
being so
caught up
in all the pain she has ever caused me
it is important.
but it is small and she
is far
more
important.

5.10.2016

disbelief.

some nights i am in
sheer
disbelief
that you are mine, you bring me your
self and all your
stories at the end of the
day, your troubles, your
everything and you lie down in
my
bed
and kissing you tonight is
somehow piercing every
corner of my
being and if i close my
eyes real tight i can
almost remember the
first, you taking my
face in your hand, our
foreheads pressed together in
anticipation and even in
that
moment
i had already forgotten
how to breathe and by the time
your lips met mine i was
certain this was a
dream, some
divine subconscious euphoria because i
never knew, i didn't even
suspect that one person's
kiss could so captivate another, that
a pair of lips could make my
heart
race
like this
every time your
skin brushes against
mine, it is like
universes colliding and i
am swallowed up, i am
consumed and this
consumption is such that it
fuels me, it
inspires, it
awakens me to beauty in the most
ordinary places, you!
you smile at me and i am
home.

5.06.2016

survival.

to slide my
feet into a
pair of tennis shoes and
pound the earth is
poetry
to me

i love to run

and metaphorically too right because
do you even know a girl anymore who
hasn't been
assaulted
abused
hurt and
hurt and
hurt until
survival is
all she knows

and maybe she stumbles into something
beautiful but by then she
doesn't know what to do with it she
is feeling around in the dark she
longs to learn how to
let someone
in but
life after
survival is really just
a lot of face-planting
honestly

so she yearns to run but she
is hesitant, she is
uncertain, she is almost
unwilling to abandon the one
good
thing
she has found but she
is killing it
overwatering and under-watering and how long before the
roots are shriveled and she has
killed the whole damn thing

why aught not she run in the face of this?
of destroying the very thing she
loves as she
brings her damage and
lays it before his
feet

it is the only place that her
oppressors retain
power, the only
unsafe place, the only
place they
still
rule
her
with all the ways that they broke her and
all the ways that she
hurts him

so if she must run, let her do it
in place when she is
lost, in a permanent state of
motion, always
looking for ways to move
forward and, sometimes,
away from her
fear when it is
tearing into the
man she
loves
and maybe she fails and
fails and
fails again but she
has finally found one thing
beautiful enough to inspire her to
keep getting up, keep
fighting for more, he reminds her to
hope to find her way to
wholeness, he is
something worth
fighting for, and he
is worth
the struggle

3.08.2016

bones.

these bones may be
frail, but they have
carried me daily through
despair and
joy, to the tops of
mountains, they are
aching today more than
yesterday but they are
mine and they have not
stopped
me dreaming

2.28.2016

corners.

i can
ignore the
compulsive lying, all your
broken pieces but
i hope you know that
you
could tell me
everything or
nothing and i will still
love you to the
darkest
corners
of your soul

always.

facades.

in the shifting of
yet
another
cycle

he loves me, he
loves me not but
you never really stop
do you

you just wrap everything in a
pretty little bow

and for a while
everything in its
right and proper place

but facades exhaust you, and it's never
terribly long before
everything
unravels
and you are back in my arms

you return to me like you
return to the
bottle but

maybe this is flattering, that when you
let go of
everything
everyone
expects
of you, you want
me

2.27.2016

poetry.

i finally
found
the kind of love that prompts
poetry

lyrics.

i want your
head in the nook of my
arm as we
play our favorite
songs as the backdrop to
us

and i sing
ever so softly to you as if
these words
only
exist
to be spoken from
my lips to
your ears

2.26.2016

addiction.

is it
wrong to say that i
fear i am
just
another
addiction
in and out of which you
phase

drunk on love, you
say i am
intoxicating as you
write me poetry and we
fall asleep naked and
exhausted, is this
you or are we just
something you
don't know how to
quit

2.24.2016

1/1000.

i walk by a
thousand people each
day, what is it about
you that
caught my eye, why is it

your voice
your scent
your touch
your hands on
my skin that makes my
heart
race

2.20.2016

leaving.

every time i
try to leave and you
come for me, it
always works but it
never lasts

2.14.2016

i could.

i want to
wrap my arms around you, run my
fingers through your
hair. kiss your
forehead, stroke your
beard. just
hold you

until the temptation to kiss you is
too much

and even then, move
slowly, kiss you
softly so you
know

how i feel about you, i want
to hold your face in my
hands, kiss you until i
cannot breathe, pause

meeting your gaze just
momentarily, before i
close my eyes, fall
into you

clothes scattered on the floor, your
body pinned against my
body, fingers
intertwined, limbs
tangled together, your
voice in my
ear until we
collapse and i
could do this all
night every
night, i could
love you with
every
breath
i ever breathe.

i could.

2.10.2016

shadows.

i am not the
girl in the
shadows, i live in the
light! where the
truth resides, i am a
pretty big fan of
the way it bends and
reaches to all the
darkest corners, every
pretty little lie

kind or otherwise

i am not the
girl who
sits on her hands, i am
gracious, sure, and i will
forgive you just
about
anything but

i cannot stay, cannot
continue to
war with myself, cannot
continue
compromising
everything
i
believe
to love you

i have begged, i have
pleaded for
an end to this pain but you
persist
persist
persist but you don't
commit

there is something so
completely
irresistible in the way you
move, the way we
fit, how well we
agree, and oh! how well we
disagree, the way you
take my hand and i
feel it in my toes, how
easy it is to
laugh when you are
beside me, the way the
world disappears every time you hold my
face in your hands, the way i still cannot
remember how to
breathe when you
kiss me, but
that is not enough, is it?

so you were
right about a lot of things, but
most importantly that
you worried you would not be
enough. ish. see, you
are enough!
you are so enough, but this
"thing" we have

the shadows
the whispers
the secrets

they are simultaneously too much and
not enough.

so go!
go into the world and
care well for yourself and
love well and know that i
will never
forget you for
as long as i live

1.24.2016

action.

you say you
love me, want a
life spent
beside me but those
feelings are not
evidenced by anything apart from
words marked with
tears and
other woman after
other woman after
other woman, so
i love you, but i
cannot stay

1.22.2016

about you.

you read my
silence as
anger toward
you, i am
never enough when i am
standing right
next to you, my
hand in yours, i am
too much when i have
one foot out the damn
door. you replay every
song i listen to, they are all
secret messages
to you. every photo is
about you, every
status is
about you, every
interaction i have with
another man is a
threat to you. shit, it
snowed on your
birthday and i bet that was
about you, too. hey,
this poem actually is,
though. about you. i'm just

not.