12.31.2015

little.

you think so
little
of me

i see the
universe in your
eyes, but i am
summed up to you in the
choices i make out of a
place of
pain

pain that you caused

i am so
sorry that you cannot
see the way that i
could love you to all the
darkest corners of your
soul

i am so
sorry you
will never let me

so sorry you don't
see me, because i
see you, i see
us, hand in
hand, and it is
the most beautiful thing i could
ever imagine, i just
am also beginning to understand that

maybe you
feel like a dream because
that is all that this
will ever amount to

a dream never come true, so
let me go

please

11.24.2015

on my mind.

i think of you
always, in
waking, when i am
drifting, i
breathe in thoughts of you, exhale
whispers of my
love for you, hoping they
find you where you
are and you
know

you
are
everything
to me

11.22.2015

empty

every time i
look at you, i see
warmth and
light, i see
everything i could
possibly imagine for myself in
your eyes

do you understand that?

do you know that you
hold my
heart, and when you are
away, you carry it
with you and i feel
empty without it, i feel
empty without
you

11.21.2015

yours.

we are both
speaking the only
languages we
know, trying so
desperately to
convey the deep
love we have for
one another, but
everything is
lost in translation and i
close my eyes, i
listen to the music you
listen to and i
know

you are mine and
i am yours

11.14.2015

everything i dream of.

you say you want to give me
everything i dream of, darling

don't you know?
you do.

i dream of being
perfectly imperfect
next to you.

i dream of knowing you
a little bit more with
the rising and setting of
each new day.

i don't dream of a
man who is not
broken or
hesitant or
deeply afraid of a thing that is
serious.

i dream of
stumbling along, figuring this out
with you.

i am not unafraid, i am not
certain of a single
thing, and when i
break, i
shatter, so
please

be gentle.

but when you look at me,
i am home.
when you touch me, the
world around me and
all its many troubles
disappear.

and it's just you and i,
for one blissful moment.

see, dreams are
beautiful and all, especially when i
dream of you, but

you
are like a dream, but
better, so
give me you and that is
all
i
need.

10.31.2015

endings.

i know right now we are
blinded by the
pain, but can we just
forget for a moment what's
real

can we just
go back to the
beginning

start over

can i just
knock down your door and say that i
love you

one last time

can i kiss you goodbye
hold you as you cry

you are the best thing.

let's close our eyes and
imagine, if you will, that
everything's okay

we're okay.

10.26.2015

tension.

i am tired of being at
war with my
self, i am
tired of the
tension, i am
tired

10.22.2015

hopeless.

i was never one to
sit on my hands, waiting

to be rescued

smitten was a term reserved for
the beauty i rediscover in
all the boring details of
the everyday, but

then i met you

and i remember
the first time your
hand brushed mine, and i
forgot for a moment how to
breathe

before i had even learned your
name, you
touched me and i
felt it through my
entire body, you

are electric, i
am defenseless

i keep
waiting to wake up, to
realize it’s all a
dream, but you
keep showing up at my
door and i keep
waking up to you, your
voice, your
scent, you
haunt me, you
intoxicate me

i think this might be the
“love” people waste their lives
searching for

to meet someone and
know them, instantly, to
be seen, to be
swept off their
tired feet

but that’s the thing, though

my feet are still
tired, and i am still
running

because love
when it comes in like a
hurricane, breaking down everything you
thought you
knew

it shakes you

in all the best ways and
all the worst

every blissful moment eventually met with
misery. see that’s the
thing about being
stretched by deep
love, it

wears you out

i mean i’m not complaining, but
listen

when you
meet someone and they
see into your soul with a single
glance, and you couldn’t hide a
thing from them even if you
wanted to, that shit is
beautiful, sure, but
it’s also scary as fuck

to have someone
hold your heart without your
permission

to be enchanted
bewitched
consumed

it overwhelms

my life is a
fairy tale, sure, but it is no
disney movie, i am
stumbling blind in the
dark and holding onto this
feeling somewhere in my
“gut” that tells me

we will always
find our way back
to each other

9.22.2015

expectation.

let me
hold you at the end of the
day, when you feel like you have
nothing left to
give, let me

hold all the broken
pieces and put you back
together again

let me
pour my love into
all the empty spaces, let me
back in

you don't have to
bring anything to the
table, just

show up.
i'll do the rest.

9.02.2015

more.

and when i
say that i want
more, i just mean
more of
you, because you
are
enough

you are everything

8.25.2015

decisive.

if i could just
wake up every
morning to
the sound of your
voice

my favorite sound

could just wrap
myself in your
arms as i wake, breathe you
in

my favorite place, my
favorite smell

lingering throughout the
day, catching me
off guard as i
bend and turn and
breathe
deeply
in your absence

i am so used to
deciding things, i am
decisive but i did not decide
shit with you, i just
loved you the moment i
met you

8.18.2015

want.

i want
to hold your hand, lean
into you, breathe you
in

i want
to wake up thinking about you, fall
asleep to dream about you, ease
into you

gently

i want
good morning and good
night texts and
smiley emojis and
to hear all the
boring details about your
boring day

i want
lunch dates and
coffee together in the
morning sometimes and
sneaking away for
just
a few
moments
with you

i want to fill all my
otherwise boring little
pockets of
time

with you

because filling them with
you means filling them with
smiles, with
laughter, with
joy, with
feeling like i have finally come
home, i want
to fall
into you

whoops, i am
already falling, so
catch me
please.

8.11.2015

fearless.

i mean, i'm not, but

when life is upside down and i cannot
remember how to put
one foot in front of the
other, metaphorically, and the only
sure thing is the
ground beneath my
feet, i

climb.

and ten thousand feet up in the
air, when i remember how to
breathe, feel the
cool breeze brush my
face, i
remember

i can do this.

and i guess i'm grateful i fell
apart and got
put back together in a way that i
learned how to
conquer my
fear, but

listen.

sometimes being the
one that's not
afraid means you're the
one left
behind.

don't.

i want to
see you, but i
don’t

want to
hold you, but i
don’t
want
to cry

i want to quit
hurting, quit
being on the outside, quit
feeling
so
invisible but i cannot quit
you

i want to, though
want to quit you, but i
don’t

8.05.2015

cathartic.

i have no letters, no
photos of you to
set
ablaze

just
this
aching

i mean, call me dramatic, i guess, but
have we forgotten what it is
to wait?

i guess i could say sorry i
needed a minute to
catch my breath, but

listen.

did you really think i wouldn't come for you?

7.29.2015

faraway.

i know the
miles between us feel
infinite and it's hard to
remember what my
skin feels like beneath your
fingertips, but i promise this
is only temporary

the longing

and oh, how it aches!
but inasmuch as the hurt reaches
everything, i will
love you that
intensely, that
deeply, that
wholly, that
well.

so please don't
shut down, shut me
out.

stay.

7.20.2015

chapters.

maybe all my new
chapters, all these
adventures were really just me
running

i always want to run

maybe starting fresh with a
suitcase of clothes in a
new place with new faces and nothing
familiar is really just
cowardly because i would rather be
invisible than be
known

than be seen
than be heard
than be hurt, all
over
again

and here i am, eye to
eye with another
beautiful perfect thing
gazing into my soul and i cannot
help but want to
flee, i want to
find a new adventure, one where
it's a mountain i climb and not a
valley i rest in trying to
figure out how to
let someone else
in

5.17.2015

skeletons.

it's funny how people don't like to
talk about their pasts, talk about all the
fairy tales and ventures that didn't
have their happy endings

like how i want to be able to say that you didn't
hurt me, didn't
bring me to tears through
second and third and
fourth-hand stories for months after your
abrupt departure

i want to say i am an
impenetrable house, and that wolf, he can
huff and puff and puff all day
long, but i will not
falter, will not
fall

but the truth
the truth is that some days i am
made of straw, hanging on by a
thread and his unkind words, they
brought me tumbling down time and
time again until i finally
saved enough strength to
rebuild

brick by tiny
brick, hour by lingering hour

it took some time, but i am
strong again, i am not
perfectly or flawlessly built but my door is finally wide
open again, i am
standing firm and i am still
all the better for having
loved you

the best i could.

5.02.2015

lady grim.

she moves with
grace and without hesitation. she is
beautiful, and she tastes like
coming home.

she harbors no
prejudices, sees not
age nor race nor gender nor sexuality. we are all as
equal in her eyes as i
wish i could see us
through mine.

perfectly able to move
swiftly without warning, providing some
semblance of closure. but she often chooses to be
nothing short of a tease. stringing us
along until we reach the most
unjustified of ends.

and so, so many of my beloved are wrapped in her
cold arms, others warily wrestling her with
every breath.

at moments i want nothing more than to
follow them over the edge, find my
release, find my
escape. join them in the
darkness, prematurely. to
rape her with a
slit of my
wrist.

but then i remember

to slow down and to
breathe, to
reflect. and her charm, though undeniable,
does not quite romance us all
in the end.

3.22.2015

shadow.

finally finding a
moment between
to-do and to-do and to-do for
breathing, sometimes i think

i'm just living in the shadow of motherhood.

the tiresome and
time consuming black
hole of endless
tasks, and yet

it's the kind of shadow that
a strong oak casts in the
heat of summer

a refuge,
where i find
solace and
perspective

and everything that i thought was just
wearing me down is really
shaping this small homemade
being and showing me that this
life i lead is both
privileged and rather
captivating,
to say the least.

2.16.2015

beautiful enough.

i may be
little apart from
average, but i
am unique still and that
is beautiful
enough.