you are gone, and yet
somehow my subconscious has
not forgotten you
my sleep is plagued with fragmented recollections of us

in the dreams you always win
i always fall
i can only hope my conscious is stronger than my sub

i would rather forget

but half of your dna and
half of my dna have
grown to about 4 inches and
i am +10 lbs, so
i guess there'll be no forgetting here today

it can hear me now
but all manner of words escape me

and i wonder, will you speak to it
father it
be for it what you could not be for me

in love.
without running away


good touch, bad touch

good touch, bad touch
bad touch
bad touch

suppressed memories

vulnerability = inability

nightmares and dreams and
faint recollection of

good touch, bad touch
bad touch
bad touch

suppressed memories
reawakened in subconscious
brings full recollection and
fear and anxiety

intimacy = inability

finding love and
holding hands and kissing and
bad touch
bad touch and
fear and anxiety and
an end before a beginning

all touch
bad touch



the love child of
journaling and
the world's need to know

welcome to al gore's: the internet

but, my heart on my sleeve and
the world wide web is
not really working for me

who wants to be honest with themselves
on display before all the world
who can be real here
who can be honest

what is here is what we
want you to see, not what we
really are, what we
have been fighting against, what we
need you to love us through, what we
need forgiveness for, what we
need redemption from, or what we
wish that we were, but we
aren't quite yet

this is not us
this is show


my first "i love you"

what does i love you mean to you?

for me, it was the butterflies
the laugh that echoed throughout my entire body
my hand in yours

for you, it was up the shirt
under the bra
traveling due south from here

what you wanted from me
i was willing to give
but it was never what i wanted

still, you gladly took it
whether i was conscious or un
saying yes or no

and when you had taken everything
it still wasn't enough

you left me in pieces
i'm still trying to put me together
wondering if i'll ever be whole again
if i'll ever feel whole again

not purposely in honor of hallmark day.


i must diminish

the corruption
the blindness
the lies
are bringing about my destruction

for eyes to see
i thank you
for strength to see past
i beg you

this distaste is seeding bitterness
in a heart once fueled by compassion
my own strength was never enough
i am fading

i must diminish
you must flourish

i.must.diminish is the email/sn of one of my poetic heroes.
it inspires me.



christianity is
church on sunday and
wednesday and

is blue-eyed and
brown-haired and
bearded and

is saying all the right things and
doing all the right things and
being at all the right places and
thinking all the right thoughts

is condeming and
unforgiving and
judgmental and

is like the brady bunch meets
a rock concert meets
motivational speaking meets
public demand

is not what He wanted or
what i wanted or
what the world needs or
what it was meant to be

is a competition of
charades, of
facades, of
who can be the most perfect

it is not about forgiveness or
beauty or
completion or

is not about love like
He is about love and
about beauty and

is not about Him, just
about us and

is robbing us

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fields of flowers

i find myself

in fields of flowers
picking petals

he loves me
he loves me not
he loves me

in your embrace
eyes tight shut
savoring the intimacy

i can't say no to you
can't resist you
can't fight you
can't imagine life without you

why would i ever have to?

but, alas
dusk has risen
daylight beckons
i cannot stay here

how many have found themselves here
wishing the dream was reality
reality the dream

reality is a nightmare

i don't want to face it
not alone

but i have to

i don't want all the flowers to be gone
to hear your voice, sing-songing

i love you
i loved you never
i love you

i can't say no to you
can't resist you
can't fight you

welcome to life without you
life filled with longing
with regret

once a dream.