12.01.2008

as of late.

it seems that all my life consists of these days is
facebook notifications and
rss deeds.

mobile uploads and
i am so-and-so's latest flickr contact.

newsletter this and
newsletter that.

i am overly informed and
somehow still feeling disconnected.

i give to these causes and
volunteer here and here and
here and
look at my TWLOHA shirt.

trends and
my friends' nonprofit.

late night insomnia and
podcasts.

still i'm bored.

the children are invisible and
i feel that way too.

must. fix. this.
must. fix. me.

11.30.2008

flawed.

i am...

flaky.
insensitive.
too blunt sometimes.
impatient.
short-tempered.
moody.
forgetful.
doubtful.
flawed.

i am...

quick to love.
forgiving.
compassionate.
empathetic.
aware.
human.

& working on it.

9.12.2008

zebediah dean.

this is kinda choppy & what have you, as it was written with magnets:

i have a tremendous & infinite love
for my innocent little guy
the feeling overwhelms me
in these sacred moments

a gentle kiss
a tender touch
my voice in his ear

he is my universe
he is art

that curly hair
and soft blue eyes

oh the joy of motherhood
my heart beams
soars between sun & moon
i never dreamed
i'd live to see it come
a whispered promise of god

to hold beauty as a child
lifts me up
you shared heaven with me
we belong together

i vow to protect you
sweet baby boy
as we dance
through our ring of fire

5.23.2008

the powerful and ever-amazing subconscious.

i am ever-amazed by my dreams.

firstly, it amuses me that fleeing from murderous villians always in the same alley, my subconscious is uncreative.

then i watched a king defend his kingdom with might and bravery against magical beings and the like. strange winds had awakened a being that could kill you by speaking doubt into you. no one could stand against this creature. but our king banished all his beloved to the castle's dungeon, to face the thing himself.

to be continued...
--------------------
Sprint PCS Mail



the being itself was a glorious thing to behold. his wisdom was apparent through his confidence and demeanor. his hair flowed, sparkling and glowing silver, down to his waist. fear would wake within you just from his turning in your general direction. and when he spoke, none could stand against the skepticism and evil his words inflicted. it would drive men back like a powerful wind, and their minds would fade. the body cannot survive without the mind.

our king was a brave man, with radiant red flowing hair and strength evident in his build and authoritative manner. he spoke only long enough to challenge this creature who threatened his kingdom. "i know what it is you do, but i am not here to speak to you. i am here to fight you."

the being drew its weapon. a long, black, curling, tentacled whip with a malice all its own. his weapon was alive. the king drew his jeweled sword, and the battle ensued.

every move the creature made was closely watched by the king, until finally his opportunity arose. the creature's whip had wrapped around the king's sword, but the king had held it at length, and the whip had not reached him. in a moment, the king was aware of what he must do, the risk it required, and all that was at stake. the kingdom's fate lay in his next move.

he lunged.

his sword pierced the creature's chest. the king felt a small sense of victory with this changing of the tides. but he knew this was not over yet. as quickly and forcefully as one can, the king went after the creature's weapon. once he had control of it, he knew he had to conquer not only the commander wounded before him, but the evil itself.

he drew the whip.

with every lash, he shouted with all his might, "i command the disuse of deceipt in this kingdom and the world!" his voice boomed louder and more afraid with every strike, until weakness finally shone in the being's eyes, in knowing not only of his own defeat, but the downfall of his evil. at this, the king finally let his shoulders sag, the whip's end hitting the ground with the ring of finality.

hearing an end to the commotion, the king's son and the others returned from the dungeon to see their king weary as he had ever been, kneeling next to the fallen commander, sword and whip still in hand, his chest rising and falling with deep gasps for air as he recovered from battle. the son rushed to the king, asking if he was alright, asking how in the world he did it, and if he had been afraid. to which the king replied, "terrified. but one must defend that which he loves against any attacker." with this, the king collapsed.

a hush fell over the rom, both in tribute to the brave king and solemn awareness that while we are always protected, we are not always safe. but as long as we are alive, we will fight to defend.

3.11.2008

small town hometown

my hometown is nothing but a
small town filled with strangers, all
greeting me by first name

i am plagued by
disinterest
boredom
i feel
out of place
alone

this place is a world of things
i have worked to grow beyond
laughter echoing, result of
the same wisecracks of my childhood

i am sorry i am so different from you
such a disappointment to you

so unimpressed by you

pardon me if i will not jump through hoops
to laugh at all the comebacks
you still remember from kindergarten

oh, what a fine memory you possess
i am not amused

i am not home
i am not you

2.22.2008

remnants

you are gone, and yet
somehow my subconscious has
not forgotten you
my sleep is plagued with fragmented recollections of us

in the dreams you always win
i always fall
i can only hope my conscious is stronger than my sub

i would rather forget

but half of your dna and
half of my dna have
grown to about 4 inches and
i am +10 lbs, so
i guess there'll be no forgetting here today

it can hear me now
but all manner of words escape me

and i wonder, will you speak to it
father it
be for it what you could not be for me

there.
in love.
without running away

2.16.2008

good touch, bad touch

good touch, bad touch
bad touch
bad touch

suppressed memories

vulnerability = inability

nightmares and dreams and
faint recollection of

good touch, bad touch
bad touch
bad touch

suppressed memories
reawakened in subconscious
brings full recollection and
fear and anxiety

intimacy = inability

finding love and
holding hands and kissing and
bad touch
bad touch and
fear and anxiety and
an end before a beginning

all touch
bad touch

2.15.2008

technology

blogging.
the love child of
journaling and
the world's need to know

welcome to al gore's: the internet

but, my heart on my sleeve and
the world wide web is
not really working for me

who wants to be honest with themselves
on display before all the world
who can be real here
who can be honest

what is here is what we
want you to see, not what we
really are, what we
have been fighting against, what we
need you to love us through, what we
need forgiveness for, what we
need redemption from, or what we
wish that we were, but we
aren't quite yet

this is not us
this is show

2.14.2008

my first "i love you"

what does i love you mean to you?

for me, it was the butterflies
the laugh that echoed throughout my entire body
my hand in yours

for you, it was up the shirt
under the bra
traveling due south from here

what you wanted from me
i was willing to give
but it was never what i wanted

still, you gladly took it
whether i was conscious or un
saying yes or no

and when you had taken everything
it still wasn't enough

you left me in pieces
i'm still trying to put me together
wondering if i'll ever be whole again
if i'll ever feel whole again


--
not purposely in honor of hallmark day.

2.13.2008

i must diminish

the corruption
the blindness
the lies
are bringing about my destruction

for eyes to see
i thank you
for strength to see past
i beg you

this distaste is seeding bitterness
in a heart once fueled by compassion
my own strength was never enough
i am fading

i must diminish
you must flourish


--
i.must.diminish is the email/sn of one of my poetic heroes.
it inspires me.

2.12.2008

christianity

christianity is
church on sunday and
wednesday and
always

is blue-eyed and
brown-haired and
bearded and
caucasian

is saying all the right things and
doing all the right things and
being at all the right places and
thinking all the right thoughts

is condeming and
unforgiving and
judgmental and
american

is like the brady bunch meets
a rock concert meets
motivational speaking meets
public demand

is not what He wanted or
what i wanted or
what the world needs or
what it was meant to be

is a competition of
charades, of
facades, of
who can be the most perfect

it is not about forgiveness or
beauty or
completion or
love

is not about love like
He is about love and
about beauty and

is not about Him, just
about us and

is robbing us
blind


--
if you like this, you may also enjoy this.

fields of flowers

i find myself


in fields of flowers
picking petals
sing-songing

he loves me
he loves me not
he loves me



in your embrace
eyes tight shut
savoring the intimacy


i can't say no to you
can't resist you
can't fight you
can't imagine life without you

why would i ever have to?


but, alas
dusk has risen
daylight beckons
i cannot stay here


how many have found themselves here
wishing the dream was reality
reality the dream


reality is a nightmare


i don't want to face it
not alone

but i have to


i don't want all the flowers to be gone
to hear your voice, sing-songing

i love you
i loved you never
i love you



i can't say no to you
can't resist you
can't fight you


welcome to life without you
life filled with longing
with regret


life.
once a dream.
interrupted.
incomplete.
empty.