9.19.2005

My Honesty, My Virtue

There’s this board game people play
A safe game with lots of laughter and no conviction
Where friends test their knowledge of each others’ character

I played this game once
Naturally, with a bunch of church friends on a Wednesday night
People I know very well, that I hardly know at all

Apart from jealousy sneaking up on me
When this one girl who liked my ex-boyfriend
Guessed the same answers as him at times I did not . . .
I remember one outstanding fraction of time

But, I guess before I can clearly communicate
Said fraction of memorable time
I must first explain the way the game is played

There is a di and an outer ring of spaces
The roll of the di moves this once piece around said outer ring
This piece can be moved either
Toward or against the gravity of a working clock
The names of each player fill the spaces in this outer ring

Thus, with each roll of the di
The roller holds the power to choose one of two spaces
For this game piece to travel to

One player to be put on the spot
In said fraction of time, I was the chosen one

Once the player is chosen
The question card is then selected
From the front of a large box full of other equally embarrassing propositions
Listing six possible answers for the players to choose from
The majority answer granting each player who selected said answer
One space forward on the inner spiral of spaces
The spiral of spaces where the game objective lies
The objective being to reach the end of this spiral before anyone else
Preferably several spaces before

My question card did not ask which movie or pair of shoes
Identifies me best

(Although I do now recall another card of mine relating me to shoes
And the majority of the votes choosing Option 4 - Spike heels)

No, this was the open heart surgery of silly board games
Demanding to know what virtue I would choose to instill in my children
Five of which I cannot recall
Seeing as to how every answer was unanimous

The only unanimous vote throughout the entire game

So, you ask, what virtue will I inevitably impart to my offspring?
Honesty.

I once took great pride in this story
In all actuality, I probably still will

But, I am currently in a phase of self discovery
In fact, I learned something about myself today
About my widely recognized virtue
And the motives behind it

(Like how I feel the need to be honest about sleeping with your best friend
So I can feel honorable about being honest
Versus feeling like a whore for sleeping with your best friend)

Which leads me to the conclusion that
My yearning for honesty is not a selfless pursuit of truth
The whole truth
Nothing but the truth

No, it’s far more human than that
More of a selfish attempt at freedom from guilt
At appearing to be the bigger person all the time

It’s like a happily ever after story
Later followed by a gory action flick sequel

All this to say . . .

That what I once saw as my greatest strength
I now identify as my greatest weakness

My honesty, in all its self-righteous glory
Is my most scandalous of sins
My flirtation with fire
Masked in holiness

My virtue, my plague

9.03.2005

He Called Me Lover

He called me lover and
He called you friend and
I called you lover

But the reality of this scenario is far from where I stand
Like a painting I saw on a stranger’s living room wall
The picture faded away in time

It's like the repeat button is stuck
But the music speaks volumes of silence

It’s hard not to wonder if you’re simply the candidate with the better campaign
Remembering the pain he inflicted seems to simplify the confusion
Guilt, however, has already built his nesting place amidst my soaring emotions

I can’t say I’m falling because
I honestly can’t see that I’m capable of feeling
But the end of my fingers are tingling, so I think that’s a good sign

The ship has docked
But the anchor hasn’t made it’s way to the earth yet
Surely it will sink in soon that

Monday morning his lips met mine
By Wednesday evening I no longer spoke his language
But I had mastered yours

I refuse to be the oddly numbered page
Planted between two evenly numbered chapters
Or the climax or the conflict or any disruptor of your story

So I’ll close my eyes and dive head first
Will you take my hand and jump with me
Lover, friend of ex-lover