5.22.2005

Sometimes I Feel

Sometimes I feel like the sun only rises because
Everyone else wants it to
But I don't really think I care

And everyone only laughs at my jokes because
I'm the one standing on stage
But I don't really think I'm funny

And you can't ever get ahold of me because
I'm never at home
But I don't really think anyone likes me

Sometimes I feel like the world only spins because
The sake of stability and the universe and all that other stuff
But I kinda think it makes me dizzy

And everybody only says hi to me because
I'm the only person standing around them
But I kinda wish he'd stop calling

And you can't even carry on a conversation with me because
I'm always off in another world
But I kinda feel like you're not listening

5.20.2005

Democracy

A good night's sleep is a virtual impossibility for her
Four curly heads with laughter filled smiles
Eliminate all chances for rest and relaxation
And all her little girls are skinny because
They don't get much for food stamps

I know a girl who had a baby once
Conceived in the heat of passion between two responsible adults
Murdered by a guy with a degree from one of those classy universities
And nobody rots in jail because
Murder is a-ok in the US of A

And that same girl eats well every day
Before she settles into bed where nightmares don't haunt her
Because she still gets fed by the government
And nobody tells them that she killed her food stamp ticket
In a room with clean walls and padded beds

Because here in America happy families live paycheck to paycheck
And nobody wants to watch the kids so Mama can't work
And the water keeps getting shut off and I'm sweating again
And everyone thinks they're bad parents because their kids don't have toys

Because here in America you don't have to pay for your mistakes
As long as you've got lots of money and a high powered attorney
And you can erase lives when they're inconvenient to you
And everyone will tell you that you did the right thing

Because here in America we have freedom of choice
And each individual has a right to privacy
And that privacy yields the privelege to abuse the system
And freedom of choice is our opportunity to murder behind open doors

5.19.2005

Boxes

The tortured artist inside me is dying
And I'm losing touch with my means of freedom
I'm startled to consciousness in the depths of the night
Feeling inspired and compelled...

But all my notebooks and pens are in boxes
Raising the bar has taken on new meaning
One by one, my cell takes shape
And I'm robbing myself of those twenty-six letters, so sweet
Like chamomile for my soul

I'm imprisoned by my lack of words
And I'm not allowed to have sharp objects
Because the ink is poison
And my pen is wielded as a weapon
And my wrists are lined with paper cuts

Now they're robbing me of my twenty-six letters, so sweet
So gorgeous in their innocence
Tainted with my hatred and lust
My imprisonment, my escape

Smiling in Snapshots

The butterflies are marching in parades
And the clowns are fluttering through the trees
Still giving me nightmares all the same
And everything feels backwards now
And upside down and inside out
And she isn't smiling in snapshots anymore

Her heart beat is slowing
And the drum pace is picking up
Still giving me a migraine all the same
And it smells like cigarettes in here
Or cancer or death
And she isn't smiling into sunsets ever again

Nobody Watched Her Dance

I remember a bright eyed little girl
With pig tails and no front teeth
A little girl who did everything Daddy said

With every waking, she smiled as she stretched
Birds were always chirping outside
Mommy made her lunches
Daddy brought home the bacon

And every once in a while someone said I love you
And they'd play the roles of a happy family
Complete with hugs and good night kisses

She can remember a day when Daddy set her on his knee
And read her bedtime stories
When everyone came to watch her play

But then no one went to see her dance

The boys at school liked the way she smelled
Showered her with affection like Daddy never did

And their kisses can be likened to the sweet lollipops
In the candy store afront this dirty alley
And she can be likened to the half-starved child
Who just sauntered in
Stuffing everything he can grab into his bulky coat pockets
Then running like mad down that same alley way

And nobody told them that sweets don't settle well in an empty stomach

So she lies bare in the darkness
Lusting eyes covering her body
Broken hearts beating together
As she dies a little more tonight

And all the congregation is disappointed
And everyone feels compelled to reach out
But nobody knows how to love her
Still everyone's got advice to offer her
And she's always listening but never hearing

Birds aren't chirping outside any longer
She's almost immuned to the sound of the gunshot
She hits snooze on the alarm three times each morn
Before she drags out of bed to face another day

She remembers a bright eyed little girl
Who got straight A's and laughed at people's jokes
She remembers a pastor once saying
Hope is what gets us out of bed each new dawn
With blessings anew

And if she's really got something to hope for
She needs to get off the fence and start living
Full throttle, no holds barred

Twenty-four hours at a time isn't good enough anymore
Maybe nobody came to see her dance
But she doesn't need an audience to fly

5.14.2005

As Per Your Request

Without realization, I presume
You've torn open a wound I'd forgotten existed
Write about what I know...

Truth be told: I hate what I know
I hate the name I bear and all the shame that lies therein
How transparent the facade is becoming

She breathes with passion that few possess
But she wastes away in the beds of nameless faces
She's admired and loved, adored and wanted
Little do they know she stopped living long ago

I used to ponder how she became all that she was
Despite rape and molestation, hatred and neglect
She still had such love and compassion
Her whole aura used to demand respect
And over the tears that demand has all but faded

She tried so hard to be perfect and now she's anything but
She searches for answers in crowded rooms and hallways
There she disappears from who she longs to be
Her kiss grows more bitter and rough with each swig of the bottle

The world puts her on display
"Do not as she preaches
Believe not as she proclaims
Inside lies another traitor to a nonexistent utopia"

Each shortcoming moreso reveals the failure she has become
She knows all the right things to say
To portray this hollogram of innocence
Her lust and addictions buried beneath it
She wears her halo and she wears it well
Then she folds her wings when nobody's looking

A shallow one, she is, and empty inside
Her nights are restless and seemingly endless
Alone in her bed, she can't hide from the truth
When darkness settles she faces her demons
I guess that's why she wears so much make-up

She used to sleep with the light on
Til people started wondering what she was up to
The only place she feels safe is wrapped in someone else's arms

She's a modern day Shakespeare and Abraham
All rolled into one mind
With a dash of King David and the Disciple Peter tossed in
Astounding faith, a heart of gold, seeking God with her whole self
Complete with adultery, doubt, betrayal, denial, and murder

I can't even see the scars anymore
And I'd almost forgotten the pain
The taste of vengeance was once fresh on my lips
I pierced her and left her to die
She hurt so many I love and she deserved it

Write about what I know...

I remember a dark and rainy night filled with envy and tears
When he told her she wasn't good enough but Lauren was
And she believed him
I remember a childhood that seemed an eternity
Completely devoid of love and affection

As per your request, I put some thought into the subject
I remembered she's a drifter
Searching desperately for a place to call home
So many have watched her die because of all the times she's let us all down
Nobody saw the need before now

Today, I see the drifter frantically calling out
"I have a home, I remember it vaguely
Cain't somebody help me find home again? Anybody?"
Her clothes are ragged and her feet are bare
On the cold city streets of Chicago, dirty as hell
All the people in suits toting briefcases, and all the fancy cars
Pass her by without a second thought

"Someone else will stop," they're thinking
"Get a job"

And I wonder how long she's been sitting there
Nearly dying of malnutrition
Home to her is the next guy that offers her his bed
Warm places to sleep come at high costs
Someday, someone will stop and help her find home again

All the windows might be smashed in and the utilities turned off
Maybe some animals and insects find refuge there
Maybe the stench is so strong you can't hardly breathe
And yellow tape is the only decor on the front lawn

But I knew a carpenter once who said
"Destroy this temple and I will rebuild it in three days"
And sure enough He did, stubborn and crazy as He was
Yet here we sit with idle hands
A lifetime before us...
Reconstruction: Begin

5.08.2005

Without Reason

With a laundry list of reasons why not to
I'm still falling heels over head now
Your voice still soothes the storm inside
With the world crumbling around me
The only place I want to be is in your arms

"Where are you?"
"Driving home."
I wish more than anything I could meet you there

So I'm just sitting here in this parking lot
Wondering why I'm alive
Never been told no before

And somewhere in this mess of complication
A fascination birthed
I rise to the challenge
Falling time and again
Reaching for something you don't want to give me
Something I don't wish to recieve

In wanting what I cannot have
My heart has grown weary
The mystery lies before me, beckoning
I desire to know you
To care for you

With a laundry list of reasons why not to
I'm still falling heels over head now
I still want to feel your breath on my neck
I want to make you laugh
I want you to hold me and tell me it's going to be alright

Never been told no before
In wanting what cannot be
My heart is growing weary now
These alligator tears weigh heavy on my soul

A gluton for punishment
I went out on a limb for you
The branch, it snapped beneath me
But you softened my fall
Right before you shoved me off the cliff

I'm still falling now
Waiting to hit rock bottom

5.01.2005

Break the Cycle

i was just writing to apologize
i saw you sunday
but my friends were talking
you know how it goes

i was just calling to ask you
to forgive me for always overlooking
i keep busy lately
you know how it goes

i was just wanting to let you know
that his kiss is rougher than yours
you're still the one i love
but you know how it goes

you speak and i hear nothing
yet i scream to you when the silence is ended
bearing my adultery and murder
you know how it goes

i kiss the feet of sinners
and dive head first into the sea of pleasure
only to come running back to you
that's always how it goes

i break your heart
and when i find my heart broken
i tell you you're the one i've always loved, really, you are
you've seen how it goes

i'm just calling to let you know
you're what i need from here on out, really, you are
this isn't how it should go
break the cycle