12.31.2005

Home

Home is sleeping naked because it’s my preference
Not getting dressed unless I have to leave the house
Listening to music that makes me smile
Cooking really spicy food
Dancing around and singing because nobody’s watching

Love is sleeping naked because I feel comfortable
Nothing expected of me except to not have nightmares
Listening to him talk even when I disagree
Cooking less spicy food
Dancing around and singing even though I’m watching

I mean to say, the boy can’t dance

Home is warm and cozy and always smells good
Wearing Spongebob underwears just because I can
Curling up with a book I escape into
Wearing no makeup and leaving my hair messy
Crying when I pray because nobody’s watching

Love is warm and cozy and he always smells good
Wearing Spongebob underwears because I think they’re hot
Curling up in his arms, I could escape into them
Wearing no make up and leaving my beautiful hair messy
Crying when I pray, and he’s crying with me

I mean to say, the boy loves God

Love is feeling at home with someone else present
Looking into the camera when I used to have to avert my eyes
Feeling less ugly and fat because I know he thinks I’m perfect
Knows I’m perfect even when I’m not
Dancing and singing and praying and growing together

I mean to say, the girl is in love

12.27.2005

The Honest True Love Poem

Some things in life we will never know and we know we will never know them
But what of those which we might never know but don’t know we never will
Or those we dismiss under the assumption that we never will

Like you

How do you take away all my words?
You take away the fuel for my art, my anger and spurts of emotion
How do you remove me from the very thing that freed me,
And in that free me moreso?

Because, honestly, I want my words back
How else will anyone see I am an artist?

I feel naked without a lifetime of anger to pour into prose

I mean, I know that the honesty of my art revealed me
Revealed more of myself than I naturally tended to share
But that doesn’t give you the right to take it away

I gave up my whole self once and it was a strange sensation
Like coming out of a coma and re-learning to walk
So here you come riding in on your white horse
Stealing away the pieces I worked so hard to rebuild

This is the honest truth of my true love
It’s all so frightening to lose myself in something so glorious
Dream as I may, I need you here to hold my hand through this

It scares me to think I spent all those years fighting and growing
Only for you to come rescue me from my pain and heal me with your love
That you were the answer to all of it
And I’m once again remodeling all that I believe

So, please do come hold my hand
I fear it’s the only way I’ll come through to the other side still put together right
Put me together right, please

So if I never know how you stole them
I can forgive you for being such a sly thief
And find more enchanting words with which to compose

11.27.2005

Hypothermia & Heart

When an embrace is your only source of warmth
That embrace becomes, from that point henceforth
A much deeper, more intimate embrace
No longer a simple expression of one's love
But a part of what keeps your heart beating
Day in and day out
For as long as we both shall live
Amen

10.11.2005

To Find the Cure, Find the Disease

Positive
The test came back positive
Cancer

Life-eating, anger-arousing cancer
One of life's most dreaded experiences
One of those things that has no reverence toward age or wisdom
No sympathy or compassion or mercy
Just disease

Bitterness and anger cultivate in the hearts of man
For this catastrophe so uncalled for

I ponder the days prior to medicine
Before technology and "development and advancement"
When we tilled the ground with our bare hands
And threw rocks at things to set them on fire
When people worked hard for what they had
Hardly having time to take things for granted
Still finding time to do so, no doubt
As flawed a race as we

But then someone had to go an invent something
Placing convenience in the hand of a selfish race
Transforming the world we know into a machine
Virtually eliminating the need for real people
Industries functioning solely by computer
Which I find impersonal at best
See, invention is simply laziness
Disguised as innovation

So we fight honorably to find cures for disease
For the side effects of doing things with speed and ease
Cooking in the microwave and smoking cigarettes to relieve stress
Getting in the car to go right across the street
And not understanding why the o-zone is nearly diminished

For the plague that we have infected ourselves with
By taking every shortcut known to man and then some
By earnestly seeking the subliminal teachings of global advertising
"Give less, expect more"
With a blatant disregard for the teachings of Christianity
"Give more, expect less"

And to earn such things as what?
A 52" plasma TV that burns holes in our retinas if we don't sit at least 12 feet away?

And to top it all off
We find this all to be fault in Your design
This hand-woven quilt of humanity
That we're tearing apart at the seams
Because You were never that gifted a sewer

Knowing that pushing every boundary You set for us
Couldn't possibly be the cause of our tribulation

We brew with anger at You for not giving us the quick fix at our beck and call
Dodging guilt with great agility
As demonstrated and executed by the world
Thus, successfully infiltrated into the body of Christ
We cry, "Deliver us, oh God!"
All the while wondering how You tolerate such evil

Shifting the blame everywhere but the source
Ourselves

10.02.2005

Forgetting Someone

If I kneel low enough, I look pretty holy
I’d rather be an inspiration than a stumbling block
Throwing away what real is the wisest thing I’ve done
To make people love me
But it seems as if I’ve forgetting someone

I raise my arms to the sky as if someone’s listening
With the smell of lust on the very hands with which I praise You
But they’re heavy
Soon I’m sitting in my chair alongside those consumed with boredom
And it seems as if I’ve forgotten someone

My shoes are uncomfortable, but I look cute
So it’s okay that I can’t dance before You
It’s okay that tears aren’t flowing from my eyes
Because I’m overwhelmed by Your love
Freed from my burdens
But it seems as if I’ve forgotten someone

I embrace my face with the palms of my hands
And one glorious sense of the five speaks to me
My fingers are fresh with the scent of adultery
But here I am to worship You, Daddy
Don’t You want to hold me closer?
Because it seems as if You’re forgetting someone

And just as my eyes begin to glisten, I feel You
My pain and my shame are lost in an abyss of forgiveness
Your strong arms are wiping away my tears
Showing me You’ve been waiting all this time
Knowing I’ve been forgetting Someone

9.19.2005

My Honesty, My Virtue

There’s this board game people play
A safe game with lots of laughter and no conviction
Where friends test their knowledge of each others’ character

I played this game once
Naturally, with a bunch of church friends on a Wednesday night
People I know very well, that I hardly know at all

Apart from jealousy sneaking up on me
When this one girl who liked my ex-boyfriend
Guessed the same answers as him at times I did not . . .
I remember one outstanding fraction of time

But, I guess before I can clearly communicate
Said fraction of memorable time
I must first explain the way the game is played

There is a di and an outer ring of spaces
The roll of the di moves this once piece around said outer ring
This piece can be moved either
Toward or against the gravity of a working clock
The names of each player fill the spaces in this outer ring

Thus, with each roll of the di
The roller holds the power to choose one of two spaces
For this game piece to travel to

One player to be put on the spot
In said fraction of time, I was the chosen one

Once the player is chosen
The question card is then selected
From the front of a large box full of other equally embarrassing propositions
Listing six possible answers for the players to choose from
The majority answer granting each player who selected said answer
One space forward on the inner spiral of spaces
The spiral of spaces where the game objective lies
The objective being to reach the end of this spiral before anyone else
Preferably several spaces before

My question card did not ask which movie or pair of shoes
Identifies me best

(Although I do now recall another card of mine relating me to shoes
And the majority of the votes choosing Option 4 - Spike heels)

No, this was the open heart surgery of silly board games
Demanding to know what virtue I would choose to instill in my children
Five of which I cannot recall
Seeing as to how every answer was unanimous

The only unanimous vote throughout the entire game

So, you ask, what virtue will I inevitably impart to my offspring?
Honesty.

I once took great pride in this story
In all actuality, I probably still will

But, I am currently in a phase of self discovery
In fact, I learned something about myself today
About my widely recognized virtue
And the motives behind it

(Like how I feel the need to be honest about sleeping with your best friend
So I can feel honorable about being honest
Versus feeling like a whore for sleeping with your best friend)

Which leads me to the conclusion that
My yearning for honesty is not a selfless pursuit of truth
The whole truth
Nothing but the truth

No, it’s far more human than that
More of a selfish attempt at freedom from guilt
At appearing to be the bigger person all the time

It’s like a happily ever after story
Later followed by a gory action flick sequel

All this to say . . .

That what I once saw as my greatest strength
I now identify as my greatest weakness

My honesty, in all its self-righteous glory
Is my most scandalous of sins
My flirtation with fire
Masked in holiness

My virtue, my plague

9.03.2005

He Called Me Lover

He called me lover and
He called you friend and
I called you lover

But the reality of this scenario is far from where I stand
Like a painting I saw on a stranger’s living room wall
The picture faded away in time

It's like the repeat button is stuck
But the music speaks volumes of silence

It’s hard not to wonder if you’re simply the candidate with the better campaign
Remembering the pain he inflicted seems to simplify the confusion
Guilt, however, has already built his nesting place amidst my soaring emotions

I can’t say I’m falling because
I honestly can’t see that I’m capable of feeling
But the end of my fingers are tingling, so I think that’s a good sign

The ship has docked
But the anchor hasn’t made it’s way to the earth yet
Surely it will sink in soon that

Monday morning his lips met mine
By Wednesday evening I no longer spoke his language
But I had mastered yours

I refuse to be the oddly numbered page
Planted between two evenly numbered chapters
Or the climax or the conflict or any disruptor of your story

So I’ll close my eyes and dive head first
Will you take my hand and jump with me
Lover, friend of ex-lover

8.31.2005

Profound Thoughts

I think the most profound thought I’ve had today
Was when I sat to use the restroom and realized
That Francesca Rose designed my skirt
And she's got entirely fabulous taste
Which led to the thought that I really have no taste at all
I just put together pieces of a puzzle someone else painted
Before cutting it apart and putting it into a box
Which most people don’t think outside of anyway
And I suddenly felt less fashionable and/or talented
Not that I enjoy my attire any less
Or lose any appreciation for the compliments I inevitably receive on said fashion
Someone asked if I would be at church tonight
My answer was that it was undetermined
Seeing as to how I have such a hard time being seen
If I don’t know that I look absolutely adorable
But he saw me in this outfit
The skirt that Francesca Rose designed
And other pieces that seemed to interlock when I placed one upon the other
With a lazily pulled back ponytail and no make up on
An entirely unimpressive ensemble overall
And he probably still thinks I’m cute
Maybe because he knows I’m smart
Or maybe because he’s probably only looking at how cute I am
Seventy five percent of the time or less
Depending on how intoxicating the conversation is
And I think the second most profound thought I’ve had today
Was when I realized that if I write down my profound thoughts
Other people might not be as foolish as I
Thinking that they are responsible for the fate of the universe going sour
Because they weren’t perfect enough
That if I share my understanding that without Francesca Rose
I would have no taste at all
Maybe we can all better understand that without a Creator
We would have no pieces to try to fit together
And that just as our wardrobe is merely a reflection of other people’s talents
Not necessarily our own abilities or ideas
So our mistakes don’t make us bad people and our good deeds don’t make us great
But submission to the instruction a particular carpenter left us
Make us more subdued and, therefore, richly blessed
Not necessarily better or worse
Simply closer to God
That Francesca Rose and God are really the talented ones
And we are simply instruments of design
Putting together the pieces in the heart of the puzzle
Once we’ve finished with the edges


This is the first poem I ever memorized! Yay.

8.30.2005

How Do I

How do You quietly, patiently listen as I
Complain to myself about having no one to talk to
How do You faithfully stand beside me as I
Constantly moan about being alone
How do You passionately, unconditionally love me as I
Consistently whine about nobody caring

How do You answer me with blessing when I
Finally turn to You like You haven’t been there all the time
How do You welcome me with open arms when I
Eventually come to You offering a broken, worn heart
How do You embrace me with tears of joy when I
Inevitably run to You when my world shatters

How do I not hear You in the gentle breeze
When I’m searching for a whisper of love
How do I not see You in the smiling faces
When I’m seeking a glimmer of hope
How do I not feel You in the warmth of the sun
When I’m longing to be held by someone who cares

How do I lay down this bottle
And pick up Your book for some comfort
How do I put away my addictions
And pursue Your greater plans for some sense of belonging
How do I step off this ride
And follow Your example for some stability

How do I shut up and stop asking questions and
Get ready, get set, go.

8.29.2005

jonathan. (v.2)

400 miles can’t erase your face from my dreams
Not that they can even be considered dreams
A sense of constant discomfort plaguing my sleep

Your words are my heart’s mentor
You gave me a voice and a passion for thought
My inspiration is dwindling in your absence

Something inside me knows you
More intimately than I could ever know anyone
But these are only pieces of who we are

I’m in love with your words
Your desires, your beliefs, your hopes and aspirations
With the soul of the artist you breathe to life

But these words can’t erase his name from my heart
Although 400 miles can surely erase yours
And so the faceless heartthrob diminishes

Last night I saw you ask me if there was someone else
I saw the life drain from within you at the lack of response
It makes me wish I had a different answer

Before this inquiry finds its way to you in daylight
I’ll break your heart and set you free
Breaking mine all the same

So please don’t open the eyes we both keep shut
Or the horrors we deny entrance to our thoughts
May interrupt your sleep as they have mine

And please remember as your pen writes on
That purple balloons provoke thought in all of us
And my caring goes deeper than simply noticing the man holding them

I will forevermore see in simple colors
Beauty everywhere in poetry in everything
Because you were there to teach me

8.28.2005

Crossing the Line

Your calm words are
The most soothing medicine my heart’s seen in a while
Your laughter is
More moving to me than hugs and kind words

Because you’re something more than a friend
But something less than a lover
I’m lost in the in-betweens
Overstepping all my boundaries set for safety and comfort and such

Your gentle kiss is
The most exhilarating experience my heart’s endured in a while
Your whispers are
More critical to me than smiles and intimate encounters

Because you’re something more than an acquaintance
But something short of mine
I’m lost on where to go from here
Crossing over lines that can never be uncrossed

Your intentions are
The most thought about emotions my minds anticipated in a while
Your interest is
More stirring to me than art and poetic words

Because you’re something more than I asked for
But still something I’m grasping to

Because I don’t have any ex-boyfriends
Just lost friendships in high numbers and counting

Because we’ve crossed over lines that can’t be uncrossed
But stopped somewhere short of committed
I’m lost in a maze of advice and controversial instincts
Taking risks for a chance at forever

8.18.2005

Murder Without Death

Her heart is gone but her face still lingers
The aching he endures as a result of that absence
Can only be defined as murder without death

And as for the continued presence of her smile
I would liken it to torture without restraints
The victim willingly strung up in the line of fire
As if it pleasures him in some fashion

So she unintentionally plays the role of the sadist
Her masochist loitering in the no parking zone
Uncharacteristically wincing with each lash

Because in the beginning of the story
He was drawn to her captivating smile
Ignorantly dismissing posted warning signs
Urged to pursue despite inevitable heartache


Her laughter filled his emptiness but she was so reserved
The adoration he once possessed for her and that fulfillment
Could only have been defined as marriage without a certificate

As as for the walls she so intently barricades herself with
I would liken them to love without emotion
The princess willingly sentencing herself to a loveless life
As if it pleasures her in some fashion

So he rides around outside on a white horse in shining armor
His damsel in distress lost somewhere inside Mission Impossible
Uncharacteristically refusing to be rescued

Because the story never seems to change
She attracts precious males with her captivating personality
Ignorantly dismissing the opportunity to love and be loved
Urged to protect the hearts of fragile men


Her heart will open and her life will change
The aching she will endure as a result of that change
Can only be appreciated as the sour that precedes the sweet

And as for the continued persistence of the man in shining armor
I would liken it to the repeated bashing of a head to a brick wall
The injured willingly conversing with the unfriendly red rectangles
As if it pleasures him in some fashion

So I grow to accept that not all who ride white horses are gifted knights
And not all prisoners desire freedom from their captivity
Uncharacteristically comfortable in familiar surroundings

Because there is no happy ending to an unfinished story
She draws countless men, notices only the mean ones (they’re bolder)
Ignorantly dismissing her instincts and distaste
Urged to pursue despite inevitable heartache


Her friend the author will watch and her protests will raise
The aching she will endure as a result of those arguments
Can only be comforted as the loss of something she never really had to begin with

And as for the continued destructive path of the woman with a heart
I would liken it to suicide minus the satisfaction of death
The pain and suffering and wounding entirely self-inflicted
As if it pleasures her in some fashion

So I grow to accept that not all who reach out achieve aid at the extent of their hand
And not all who have hearts know how to love
Uncharacteristically causing more grief than joy

Because maybe someday happiness will find its place amidst this never ending story
She will attract someone who will make her happy and quit
Ignorantly dismissing her instincts and distaste
Urged to protect the remaining pieces of her heart

8.09.2005

empty spot.

i checked the mail five times today
my hopes were high that the mail man just got lost
weird how it hurts more each letter-less day
how i feel as empty as my mailbox was
every time i turned the key

i check my missed calls every five minutes
thinking surely i just didn't hear it ringing
strange how it aches more each whisper-less hour
how i've exhausted my menu buttons nearly
as much as my heart

i saw a guy that looked like you in the parking lot yesterday
he walked like you and he was cute like you
and he had hte same sticker on the back of his
same color truck as yours
but i knew it wasn't you because he didn't wave back

i saw a girl driving that truck this morning
her passenger sat like you and laughed like you
and he had the same hat on that you swore
you'd wear 'til it fell apart
but i knew it wasn't you because you don't slouch in your seat like that

i run to my door when it's knocked five times
believing so ignorantly that you simply got lost
funny how it hurts more with each interested face on the other side
how i wish their bright, wide smiles were yours

i wake up in bed every five minutes
convinced you're still lying next to me
amazing how it aches more with each night you don't return
how i wish i could forget the empty spot is yours

7.30.2005

breathe you.

remember the days we possessed a love so treasured?
tended to daily and never malnourished
when my tears were erased by your undying love?
and we more than knew each other
we were connected. inside. our souls were tied.

we laughed and loved and learned and grew
the world stopped spinning when we were together
or so it seemed from my perspective
and we more than understood each other
we breathed each other. lived each other.

remember the days our relationship was so untainted?
tended to daily and never malnourished
when my heartaches were healed by your overflowing compassion?
and we more than cared for each other
we were committed. forever. our minds were made.

then i laughed and cried and doubted and fell
hte world stopped spinning without you
or so it seemed from my perspective
and we less than knew each other
we lost each other. and we missed each other.

remember the day our paths first crossed?
unbelief striking every chord in my existence
when my brokenness was completed by your perfect heart?
and we more than desired each other
we were drawn. inexplicably. our love was new.

i laugh and i cry and i learn and i grow
the world is spinning dizzyingly fast around me
or so it seems from my perspective
and i know a little more than previous
i need you. i breathe you.

7.27.2005

home.

home is the scent when you come in from work
feeling instantly relaxed and comfortable
free from the box you have to conform to
just to get by in the world

it's the place you don't feel ugly without make-up
or uneasy wandering aimlessly naked
or pressured to be someone merely by obligation
just free to be, be yourself

it's the things that are yours and yours only
that no one said you had to have
that aren't required of you for a promotion
merely your heart's desires

it's the feeling of accomplishment
not needing anyone or anything to lean on
not yearning for the support or approval of anyone
merely fitting your standards

i can decorate however i want
dress however i want, feel however i want
say whatever i want
whatever

i don't have to answer to anyone
or walk a certain way or talk a certain way
or meet any particular demands
just whatever

7.21.2005

medicine cabinets.

her head is throbbing and she doesn't really remember why
all she knows is she doesn't have any aspirin
the medicine cabinet is devoid of such useful things
filled with medicines for pale faces, rough skin,
and protection from unplanned pregnancies

so she stumbles down the hallway
finding pieces of the portrait she embodied last night
a once perfect picture of innocence
now strewn across her apartment floor
so nonchalantly tossed aside so short a time ago

she squints her eyes as the hallway reaches its end
where daybreak is peeking through her mini blinds
hardly keeping her knees from buckling beneath her
as she bends to gather her keys, and shoes, and wallet
and all the empty bottles that might have contributed to this migraine

she nearly jumps through the roof as her cell phone rings
the song reverberating through the entire 650 square feet
and it takes her a little longer than usual to answer
seeing as to how she doesn't typically keep her phone in the refrigerator
but the cold that sweeps her is surely not the result of this small plastic piece pressed to her ear

she shudders as his laughter rings through her ears
he tells her he had an amazing time last night and asks her if she feels the same
and she instantly understands the stumble in her walk
certainly wasn't caused by dancing or standing or large amounts of alcohol
but by a place she flees from every day

her head is throbbing and she doesn't really remember why
all she knows is she doesn't have any aspirin
her medicine cabinet is filled with cures for pale faces and rough skin
and empty spots that upon her seeing turn her stomach
and suddenly it hits her, as hard as she wishes a cement truck would

so she makes the desperate effort
to wash away the uncleanliness
scrubbing and scrubbing and scrubbing her skin raw
soaking her face with salty, bitter-sweet water drops
suffering from the memories too distant to recall

she submerges herself beneath a warm blanket of sanity
her eyes squeezed shut, imagining the worst
her hair flowing as the water ripples
waving ever so slowly as the water stills
framing gorgeous, almond-shaped eyes that no longer blink

7.11.2005

Eyes That Shimmer

She used to wince when she saw his number
Flashing in vibrant blue on her cell phone LCD
He’s the needy, high maintenance friend
With timing that’s far from impeccable

He used to dial her number when he felt inspired
But one sided conversations dim hopes of sparking friendships
She’s the inspirational, down-to-earth friend
With eyes that sparkle a vibrant blue

She feels guilty when she dials his number
Growing more un easy with every ring flowing through her ear piece
He’s the affectionate, reliable friend
With availability whenever a need is presented

He winces when he sees her number
Flashing vibrant blue on his cell phone LCD
She’s the contradictory, complicated friend
With more appeal than he’d like to admit

She feels safe with his frail arms around her
Tears flowing freely as she tells him her story
He’s the understanding, selfless friend
With the scent of home embedded in his embrace

He feels heartbroken with her in his arms
Jealousy and compassion flowing in the same beat of his heart
She’s the desirable, un-havable friend
With the scent of citrus fresh in her hair

She feels wretched when she sees his number
Flashing in vibrant blue on her cell phone LCD
He’s the assuring, uplifting friend
With timing that’s entirely impeccable

He winces when he dials her number
Fully aware his heart is as blue as his vibrant cell phone LCD
She’s the needy, high maintenance friend
With eyes that shimmer beneath glistening tears

Twenty-Six

Twenty-six letters hold the keys to the universe
But I only care to unlock my cage

Wars were waged and hearts were broken
Lives were taken and possessions were stolen
Murder was committed and maniacs rampaged
For cause of variations of those twenty-six

Tears were shed and cultures were destroyed
Freedom was given and faiths were shaken
Empires were defied and salvages ravaged
For reasons brought about by those very twenty-six

Without them, there would be no peace
No war, no poverty, no differences, no emotion
No love, no faith, no hope
Without them there is nothing

Twenty-six letters decide the fate of creation
But I only care to escape my reality

A blank parchment possesses a purity and innocence I envy
Ink stains and the emotion I shed onto it corrupt it
All the beauty it once did possess
Fades with those twenty-six

A paragraph formed inside this mad expression
Presents structure anew which seeps into my very existence
All the mis-guidance I once did follow blindly
Diminishes with those very twenty-six

Without them, I would have no peace
No compassion, no gratitude, no friends, no freedom
No love, no faith, no hope
Without them I am nothing

Two Years Younger

Two years younger
Quite the treat to look at
Eye candy and a heart of gold
With wits to make things interesting
All topped off with a good layer of charm

Twice as experienced
Quite something to look forward to
Hour glass figure and a smile of compassion
With sarcasm to make things interesting
All topped off with a good layer of ambition


Two years older
Quite the ordinary stereotype
Ego built and a heart of stone
With profanity to make things interesting
All topped off with a good layer of charm

Twice as rejected
Quite something to grow to dread
Athletic figure and a smile of confidence
With cockiness to make things interesting
All topped off with a good layer of aggression


Two years younger
Quite the nightmare to look at
Eye swollen and a bullet through the chest
With lips removed to make things interesting
All topped off with a good layer of bruising

Twice as battered
Quite something to stomach looking at
Broken, frail figure and a last smile of defiance
With signatures to make things interesting
All topped off with a good layer of swelling


Two years older
Quite a sight to behold
Eye scratched and a punch taken to the chest
With silence to make things interesting
All topped off with a good layer of pride

Twice as alive
Quite something to grow to loathe
Tired, worn figure and a smile of madness
With obsession to make things interesting
All topped off with a good layer of freedom

7.10.2005

Could Just

If I would just close my eyes
I know I could steady my steps
But last time my eyes were shut
He moved my clothes aside and touched me where he wanted

If I would just let go
I know I could fly with you
But last time I wasn’t holding on
I fell for so long I thought I’d never touch ground again

If I would just lay down my head
I know that I could rest a little
But last time I let down my guard
He told me he loved me and took what he thought was his

If I would just turn out the lights
I know that I could see more clearly
But last time I lied in darkness
I screamed for so long I thought I’d never feel silence again

If I could just close my eyes
I know I would steady my steps
I know that if I could just let go
I would stand on solid ground again

If I could just...

7.09.2005

jonathan.

If my eyes are the window to my soul
Then my poetry must be the doorway to everything that I am
You’ve seen most every word I’ve ever written
So you must hold the keys to all that I’ve become

And if laughter is truly the best medicine
And you can never have too much of a good thing
Then talking to you must increase my number of days
Not that I mind, if I get to spend them with you

And you know what, that reminds me...

How we’re ridiculously ashamed of what we really want to say
Like romance and love are truly sinful
Because of some second grade memory of everyone pointing and laughing at us
And singing songs about trees and baby carriages and k-i-s-s-i-n-g

And you know what, I have something to tell you

This girl grew up around mountains and sparsely populated lands
Where she could scream at the top of her lungs from a mountaintop
And have nothing to be ashamed of
Because no one could really hear her anyway

She used to drive out into the middle of nowhere
Climbing to new heights in four-wheel drive
Telling the world what she thought and where they could shove it
And it didn’t really matter if anyone heard her anyway

Because once you’ve experienced a freedom
Without rules, without expectations, without barriers, without regulations
The desire to exercise that freedom is from that point, and henceforth
Instilled within you

So I guess what that all means
Is that since I know what it feels like
To scream from the mountaintops when no one could hear me
I’m not afraid to scream anything anymore
And I don’t care who hears it

And that since you’ve given me something worth screaming about
I plan to do just that
And I don’t care if anyone’s listening

7.08.2005

Dismissal

The jingling of keys plays on as the background music
For an act played out in the depths of my mind
Scene by scene it unfolds before me
And all the years of contemplation come to a point of foreclosure

It’s not every day you come home to boxes on your porch
Especially not when you live alone

You strived to see I had everything I wanted
That I was everything I dreamed I could be
You were a primary factor in the path that led me here
Standing firm, where I am today
With a laundry list of reasons to be proud and quite content

A question of why raises first
How great a sacrifice had I made in such a haste
The evidences of your caring for me are woven throughout my list of possessions

Blink

The realization of what follows next
Broken trust takes time to mend, to heal
You shattered it
I can’t even find all the damn pieces

Blink away the tears

Hope for the future falls into the equation third
The doormat now reads “Go Away” and your footprints are nearly faded away

You failed to express the compassion I now see in your heart
Distracted in your steadfast neglect and words of anger stated with raised voices
You played a role in making me who I am
Believing wholeheartedly, like I am today
With a myriad of causes for gratitude and purposeful smiles

The jingling of keys plays on as the background music
For a conclusion entirely too disheartening for our already fragile relationship

Not a thing in the world extends beyond forgiveness
Still, a few things extend far beyond rekindled friendships
Dismissed.

6.27.2005

Miracles

I was standing in Your house today
And everyone’s arms were linked
And most our heads were bowed
And many eyes were closed
And several hearts were touched

When I realized...

Miracles are not defined
By phenomenal happenings
But in sight and sound and touch

Not by the heights the skies stretch to
But in the height at which every hand hangs
Each one on the same level

Not in the depths of the oceans and seas
But in the depths of our hearts
Our capacity for compassion and love

No, miracles are what we breathe every day
And everything therein and beyond is simply God

6.23.2005

For the Butterflies

She closes her eyes when they kiss her
But her hormones race faster than her heart
And soon she lies alone at night

She smiles when they say I love you
Because her loneliness speaks louder than love
And soon she dines alone again

She walks down the same city street each day
Her feet blistering inside her business-casual heels
Wondering where she went wrong


She closes her eyes when they kiss her
Because their faces are ugly, but their embrace is warm
And she never lies alone at night

She smiles when they say I love you
But her insides are turning over and again
And she never dines alone again, or pays

She misses those walks down that old city street
Her feet still blister, now squeezed in spike heels
Wondering where she went wrong


She closes her eyes when he kisses her
Because her heart is nearly beating out of her chest
And she never lies alone at night

She smiles when he says I love you
But she’s never felt butterflies like this before
And she never dines alone again, or pays

She holds his hand as they walk down city streets
Her feet fast-paced to match his long stride
Wondering what she ever did to deserve this


She closes her eyes and gently kisses him
But his lips are cold and he doesn’t kiss back
And now she lies alone at night

She smiles and says I love you
Because her love speaks louder than her loneliness
And now she dines alone again

She still reaches for his hand as she walks the city streets
Her feet blistering under her business-casual heels
Wondering what she ever did to deserve this

6.13.2005

Legendary

There was once a fortress
Guarded on every side by castle walls rumored to stretch to the sky
The highest walls ever known to mankind
Walls a thousand armies couldn’t penetrate

Those who knew what once did lie within the boundaries
Could be counted on one hand
The entering and exiting of civilians was unheard of
The occasional wounded escaped
Blabbering on some nonsense of “nothing worth seeing beyond these gates”

Legend has it, a time came when one curious individual bravely approached
Drawn to this place, with unexplainable passion
For reasons not known to him or any who knew or knew of him
And simply knocked

Upon his knocking, the doors were opened to him
Now before him was full access to a whole new world
Written about by poets far before his time
Contemplated by the deepest thinkers
The reality of this place held endless possibilities

A plethora of opportunities lay strewn before his thought-raced mind
Yet, for what seemed an eternity, he stood in disbelief
Relishing in the realization
That he had unlocked a mystery sought after by countless individuals
Feared by equal numbers, perhaps even greater

Beauty like this had never met his eyes before this moment
This loss for words to describe such a sight was an experience in and of itself
Still, somehow he placed one foot in front of the other, intrigued
In search of something more, deeper into the realm of the unknown
Miles of unexplored territory beckoning to him on a first name basis

And all the great scientists desired to understand
What formula yielded the unveiling of such mystery
To such unworthy eyes as his

And all the great explorers envied his discoveries
What knowledge yielded the revealing of this path for a coveted journey such as this
To such a simpleton as he


And all the great warriors were baffled by
What little kindness yielded the levelling of said fortress
To such naive tactics as his

O, how seldom we comprehend
But how elegant these masks we bear
Holiness and wisdom for all to see
Judgmental arrogance and hypocrisy concealed within
Our reputations buried safely beneath the intricacies of design
Sealed at never too high a cost

It was previously unthinkable that such a dreary land
Possessed beauty unsurpassed by anything worthy of a mass-produced brochure
But every preconceived idea of this legendary place
Crumbled under the truth of his findings

Many theorize the lack of this legendary fortress’ discovery
Can be contributed to the very lack of its existence
In any frame of time and space continuum
Perhaps it’s simply far too much for their troubled minds to grasp

Others rebuke such ignorant dismissal
Of places and things beyond our understanding

Some reason the fortress lies hidden
Buried beneath an ocean of tears
Shed by the queen the day her explorer retreated
A very real place for all of us

They never understood before now
That scars are the result of deep wounding
And all the ugliness she embodies
Is matched ten-fold by the beauty of her heart
Beauty unfathomed by the blinded eyes of the believers
Their vision blurred by years of assumption and a lack of compassion

Lesson of the day:
Blackened, calloused hearts are built to protect the most tender of cores
More often than not
And truly beautiful people at times deem it necessary
To hide behind a rough exterior, and countless other barriers

But amongst the cold and hating souls
Is a lover waiting to learn to love
A soldier longing to be taught to fight
An artist yearning to be shown to sculpt

No wall is un-penetrable
No person un-lovable
No mystery un-explainable
No heart un-mendable
No, nothing is beyond accomplishment
Not for the Architect

6.07.2005

when in peril, write emo songs

crisis in kosovo (i mean tulsa)

by: brent and leanna (stranded. in tulsa. alone. without hope. brokenhearted. etc. etc. etc.)

so i'm sitting here
alone on my couch
only i'm not really alone
and it's not my couch
and some dude's sleeping
not too far away

stuck in tulsa
with an empty coin purse
smoke billowing from the hood of my car
agony billowing from the depths of my heart
and i think everybody hates me
especially that guy sleeping soundly in his bed
not too far away

home is so far off
i dont even know where i'm at right now
wearing the same clothes as yesterday
perspiration flowing from my brow
and some dude's sleeping
not too far away

stuck in tulsa
with an empty coin purse
power draining from my phone battery
hope draining from my once supercharged heart
my world is crashing down around me
and i remember once thinking, home... it's
not too far away

5.22.2005

Sometimes I Feel

Sometimes I feel like the sun only rises because
Everyone else wants it to
But I don't really think I care

And everyone only laughs at my jokes because
I'm the one standing on stage
But I don't really think I'm funny

And you can't ever get ahold of me because
I'm never at home
But I don't really think anyone likes me

Sometimes I feel like the world only spins because
The sake of stability and the universe and all that other stuff
But I kinda think it makes me dizzy

And everybody only says hi to me because
I'm the only person standing around them
But I kinda wish he'd stop calling

And you can't even carry on a conversation with me because
I'm always off in another world
But I kinda feel like you're not listening

5.20.2005

Democracy

A good night's sleep is a virtual impossibility for her
Four curly heads with laughter filled smiles
Eliminate all chances for rest and relaxation
And all her little girls are skinny because
They don't get much for food stamps

I know a girl who had a baby once
Conceived in the heat of passion between two responsible adults
Murdered by a guy with a degree from one of those classy universities
And nobody rots in jail because
Murder is a-ok in the US of A

And that same girl eats well every day
Before she settles into bed where nightmares don't haunt her
Because she still gets fed by the government
And nobody tells them that she killed her food stamp ticket
In a room with clean walls and padded beds

Because here in America happy families live paycheck to paycheck
And nobody wants to watch the kids so Mama can't work
And the water keeps getting shut off and I'm sweating again
And everyone thinks they're bad parents because their kids don't have toys

Because here in America you don't have to pay for your mistakes
As long as you've got lots of money and a high powered attorney
And you can erase lives when they're inconvenient to you
And everyone will tell you that you did the right thing

Because here in America we have freedom of choice
And each individual has a right to privacy
And that privacy yields the privelege to abuse the system
And freedom of choice is our opportunity to murder behind open doors

5.19.2005

Boxes

The tortured artist inside me is dying
And I'm losing touch with my means of freedom
I'm startled to consciousness in the depths of the night
Feeling inspired and compelled...

But all my notebooks and pens are in boxes
Raising the bar has taken on new meaning
One by one, my cell takes shape
And I'm robbing myself of those twenty-six letters, so sweet
Like chamomile for my soul

I'm imprisoned by my lack of words
And I'm not allowed to have sharp objects
Because the ink is poison
And my pen is wielded as a weapon
And my wrists are lined with paper cuts

Now they're robbing me of my twenty-six letters, so sweet
So gorgeous in their innocence
Tainted with my hatred and lust
My imprisonment, my escape

Smiling in Snapshots

The butterflies are marching in parades
And the clowns are fluttering through the trees
Still giving me nightmares all the same
And everything feels backwards now
And upside down and inside out
And she isn't smiling in snapshots anymore

Her heart beat is slowing
And the drum pace is picking up
Still giving me a migraine all the same
And it smells like cigarettes in here
Or cancer or death
And she isn't smiling into sunsets ever again

Nobody Watched Her Dance

I remember a bright eyed little girl
With pig tails and no front teeth
A little girl who did everything Daddy said

With every waking, she smiled as she stretched
Birds were always chirping outside
Mommy made her lunches
Daddy brought home the bacon

And every once in a while someone said I love you
And they'd play the roles of a happy family
Complete with hugs and good night kisses

She can remember a day when Daddy set her on his knee
And read her bedtime stories
When everyone came to watch her play

But then no one went to see her dance

The boys at school liked the way she smelled
Showered her with affection like Daddy never did

And their kisses can be likened to the sweet lollipops
In the candy store afront this dirty alley
And she can be likened to the half-starved child
Who just sauntered in
Stuffing everything he can grab into his bulky coat pockets
Then running like mad down that same alley way

And nobody told them that sweets don't settle well in an empty stomach

So she lies bare in the darkness
Lusting eyes covering her body
Broken hearts beating together
As she dies a little more tonight

And all the congregation is disappointed
And everyone feels compelled to reach out
But nobody knows how to love her
Still everyone's got advice to offer her
And she's always listening but never hearing

Birds aren't chirping outside any longer
She's almost immuned to the sound of the gunshot
She hits snooze on the alarm three times each morn
Before she drags out of bed to face another day

She remembers a bright eyed little girl
Who got straight A's and laughed at people's jokes
She remembers a pastor once saying
Hope is what gets us out of bed each new dawn
With blessings anew

And if she's really got something to hope for
She needs to get off the fence and start living
Full throttle, no holds barred

Twenty-four hours at a time isn't good enough anymore
Maybe nobody came to see her dance
But she doesn't need an audience to fly

5.14.2005

As Per Your Request

Without realization, I presume
You've torn open a wound I'd forgotten existed
Write about what I know...

Truth be told: I hate what I know
I hate the name I bear and all the shame that lies therein
How transparent the facade is becoming

She breathes with passion that few possess
But she wastes away in the beds of nameless faces
She's admired and loved, adored and wanted
Little do they know she stopped living long ago

I used to ponder how she became all that she was
Despite rape and molestation, hatred and neglect
She still had such love and compassion
Her whole aura used to demand respect
And over the tears that demand has all but faded

She tried so hard to be perfect and now she's anything but
She searches for answers in crowded rooms and hallways
There she disappears from who she longs to be
Her kiss grows more bitter and rough with each swig of the bottle

The world puts her on display
"Do not as she preaches
Believe not as she proclaims
Inside lies another traitor to a nonexistent utopia"

Each shortcoming moreso reveals the failure she has become
She knows all the right things to say
To portray this hollogram of innocence
Her lust and addictions buried beneath it
She wears her halo and she wears it well
Then she folds her wings when nobody's looking

A shallow one, she is, and empty inside
Her nights are restless and seemingly endless
Alone in her bed, she can't hide from the truth
When darkness settles she faces her demons
I guess that's why she wears so much make-up

She used to sleep with the light on
Til people started wondering what she was up to
The only place she feels safe is wrapped in someone else's arms

She's a modern day Shakespeare and Abraham
All rolled into one mind
With a dash of King David and the Disciple Peter tossed in
Astounding faith, a heart of gold, seeking God with her whole self
Complete with adultery, doubt, betrayal, denial, and murder

I can't even see the scars anymore
And I'd almost forgotten the pain
The taste of vengeance was once fresh on my lips
I pierced her and left her to die
She hurt so many I love and she deserved it

Write about what I know...

I remember a dark and rainy night filled with envy and tears
When he told her she wasn't good enough but Lauren was
And she believed him
I remember a childhood that seemed an eternity
Completely devoid of love and affection

As per your request, I put some thought into the subject
I remembered she's a drifter
Searching desperately for a place to call home
So many have watched her die because of all the times she's let us all down
Nobody saw the need before now

Today, I see the drifter frantically calling out
"I have a home, I remember it vaguely
Cain't somebody help me find home again? Anybody?"
Her clothes are ragged and her feet are bare
On the cold city streets of Chicago, dirty as hell
All the people in suits toting briefcases, and all the fancy cars
Pass her by without a second thought

"Someone else will stop," they're thinking
"Get a job"

And I wonder how long she's been sitting there
Nearly dying of malnutrition
Home to her is the next guy that offers her his bed
Warm places to sleep come at high costs
Someday, someone will stop and help her find home again

All the windows might be smashed in and the utilities turned off
Maybe some animals and insects find refuge there
Maybe the stench is so strong you can't hardly breathe
And yellow tape is the only decor on the front lawn

But I knew a carpenter once who said
"Destroy this temple and I will rebuild it in three days"
And sure enough He did, stubborn and crazy as He was
Yet here we sit with idle hands
A lifetime before us...
Reconstruction: Begin

5.08.2005

Without Reason

With a laundry list of reasons why not to
I'm still falling heels over head now
Your voice still soothes the storm inside
With the world crumbling around me
The only place I want to be is in your arms

"Where are you?"
"Driving home."
I wish more than anything I could meet you there

So I'm just sitting here in this parking lot
Wondering why I'm alive
Never been told no before

And somewhere in this mess of complication
A fascination birthed
I rise to the challenge
Falling time and again
Reaching for something you don't want to give me
Something I don't wish to recieve

In wanting what I cannot have
My heart has grown weary
The mystery lies before me, beckoning
I desire to know you
To care for you

With a laundry list of reasons why not to
I'm still falling heels over head now
I still want to feel your breath on my neck
I want to make you laugh
I want you to hold me and tell me it's going to be alright

Never been told no before
In wanting what cannot be
My heart is growing weary now
These alligator tears weigh heavy on my soul

A gluton for punishment
I went out on a limb for you
The branch, it snapped beneath me
But you softened my fall
Right before you shoved me off the cliff

I'm still falling now
Waiting to hit rock bottom

5.01.2005

Break the Cycle

i was just writing to apologize
i saw you sunday
but my friends were talking
you know how it goes

i was just calling to ask you
to forgive me for always overlooking
i keep busy lately
you know how it goes

i was just wanting to let you know
that his kiss is rougher than yours
you're still the one i love
but you know how it goes

you speak and i hear nothing
yet i scream to you when the silence is ended
bearing my adultery and murder
you know how it goes

i kiss the feet of sinners
and dive head first into the sea of pleasure
only to come running back to you
that's always how it goes

i break your heart
and when i find my heart broken
i tell you you're the one i've always loved, really, you are
you've seen how it goes

i'm just calling to let you know
you're what i need from here on out, really, you are
this isn't how it should go
break the cycle

4.04.2005

Sentimental Value

remember when we read the Bible together
and we were all about loving each other
and loving Jesus more
and we helped each other grow
and we laughed when we talked

remember that notebook i wrote in
everything you said
everything i learned
everything we shared

well april's dr. pepper spilled all over it...

i guess that's my fault
for strewing my notebooks across the bare floor
a recipe for disaster
my treasures at stake

i'm glad it ruined your words
and not those of my pastor
or me
or those meant for my future husband

oh what a waste ... of 70 cents and zero sentimental value

3.22.2005

False Pretension Strategy

With each day's dawn, the game continues
You dance in circles around me
With each petal I pick I'm supposed to remember you love me
Your goodbye came three days later
A dreamer's fantasy was in the works
But you never told me I don't meet your standards
I'm dizzied by your intentions for our future
Your weakness, your burden
It becomes your project
Yet the next moment there is no possibility
There will never again be an "us"
We're friends, but we're more, but we're less
We don't know what to be
We're confused, more or less
You're content in your words
But I feel your longing in your elegant embrace
So progresses this false pretension strategy
Such a travesty
Such a tragedy
With it dies the love we once shared

I Whispered to the Wind

Your consumption of me is revealing itself
I told myself so many times that I'd forgotten you
And had just started believing it

I whispered to the wind and a storm blew through
I never knew such a small string could tie such a comlex knot
But here you are again

I remember everything about you, the love and the hate
I thought that you were gone for good this time
But oh, how I missed you so

Your overwhelming charm is like a gravitational force
I told myself so many times I was over you
And had just started believing it

I whispered to the ground and the earth quaked
I never knew such a small desire could weild such an obsession
But here I am again

I remember everything about us, the hello and goodbye
I thought you lied when you said we would be together again
But oh, how I ponder it so

3.09.2005

Kill the Enemy

I know of the failures behind your smiles
They haunt me more
With each passing breath they remain
Secret
Buried inside my sea of illusions
Created to hide you
Where the world is saved
From the burden they force upon you

They're all drawn to your honesty
Your supposed strength
Your faith
Your boldness

They're all burned by your shortcomings
You collapse under the weight
Of the cross you carry
And starve your admirers
Of the example they earnestly seek

And so continues the pattern of disappointment
They develop self doubt and unhealthy tendencies
They turn their backs and people whisper
They've got issues
And hatred and mistrust
And fear and loathing
And no grasp on the significance of their actions

This is the sermon you preach on your mount
Offer your body as...
For all the little children to mimick
One by one conforming to the path of destruction

Then the means of your elimination dawns on me
Comes to me bearing new hope
And so this blasted sand kisses pavement
Released from my iron clad grip
And I know this is the last time you will cut me
The enemy is dead

3.07.2005

My Last Goodbye

Let's fuck each other
Well fuck each other up
I've found refuge in you
From anger
From pain
I've forsaken everything for one night
One last escape
Girls envied me once
I bragged about him for hours
But there you remained
Beckoning to me from so far off
Taunting me
Tempting me
A relationship founded on sex
And maintained for such
Laced with false trust and fake smiles
Disguised as common interests and laughter
So we fuck each other
And we fuck each other up
And I run away from anything that's good
For the fear of rejection
Likened to to the denial you handed me time and again
We're not so highly dissimilar
That we don't understand each other
I guess that's why I hate you
I'm sick of people understanding
My heart is pleading for someone to help me
Help me out of this mess I created
This is my last goodbye

1.23.2005

Murder

I can still feel the goosebumps
Raised my the warmth
From your breath on my neck
As you whispered so softly
So gently you spoke
Three little words

So full of passion
So full of deceit

I can still feel the butterflies
Fluttering by the warmth
From your arms wrapped around me
As you held me so tightly
So loving your affection
Always desiring closeness

So full of passion
So full of deceit

I can still feel the hatred
Raging by the cold
From your comforting hand upon me
As you ended it so abruptly
So beautiful your betrayal
Pretty little lies

So full of passion
So full of deceit

1.20.2005

Happy Poem

I want to write something happy
Devoid of anger
Violence
Lust

I want to write something beautiful
Something soothing
Calming
Uplifting

I want to write something inspirational
Something devoid of your memories
Our lust
My sin

I want to write something moving
Something intimate
Spiritual
Sensual

I want to write something optimistic
Devoid of regret
Shame
Ignorance

I want to write something meaningful
Something with voice
Strength
Faith

I want to write something significant
Devoid of silence
Emptiness
Unholiness

I want to write something touching
Something with wisdom
Experience
Victory

You've left me so unhappy
Devoid of passion
Emotion
Soul

I want to write something happy
I want the poet back
I want to write something happy
Something happy

The Pattern of Disappointment

You called me today
My heart raced
You thought of me
Long enough to dial my number
You wanted to talk to me
Enough to initiate the conversation
I gave up on you once
But I never forgot you
I can't erase you
And here you are again
I can't believe it's you
You want me again
Let's hang out
Let's make out
Let's let the world disappear into us
Let's have sex and forget love exists
Again
Let's laugh together
You say you have no expectations
But you don't know if you can do this
Do what?
What goes through your mind
When you think of me long enough
To dial my number
It must have been good
To keep you hard long enough
To make the desperate effort
To come crawling back to me
Again
It must have been good
For me to care
For me to answer
For me to hope
For me to be disappointed
Again
I'm seeing a pattern here
You're an addiction
You're my failure
Again

1.18.2005

Remembrance

Your shadows still flash before my eyes

Every time I close them to try to escape you

You're haunting my every thought

He whispers those three words softly

As they grace my lips I whisper your name

Longing for you to come rescue me from this prison

This life without you

You were my laughter, my color, my freedom

The world spins slower each day you're gone

Each time I begin to forget you

I can hear you calling my name

Your scent overwhelms me

Your voice, your kiss, your embrace

The stars never seemed so far away

I think they left with your eyes

As did everything else good on this earth

Nothing sparkles without you