2.28.2004

dear daddy

grandma showed me pictures, daddy
of a boy so young and fresh
and he looked so much like you, daddy
but only in the aspect of flesh

grandma showed me pictures, daddy
of a boy who laughed and played
and he looked so much like you, daddy
but it couldn't have been you, so dismayed

grandma showed me pictures, daddy
of a boy so happy and content
and he looked so much like you, daddy
but i know that life you resent

grandma showed me pictures, daddy
of a boy i wish you could be
and he looked so much like you, daddy
but you're not him anymore, i see

2.21.2004

o, lover

snuggle close

whisper her name softly into my innocently trusting ear

watch me as the hurt draws to the surface

hold me tight

suffocate any chance of my legs taking off

betray me as long as my heart stays with you

tell me you love me

tell me it was all a mistake

so i can wear this knife in my back and take you on again

2.11.2004

hypocrite

your doubt makes me want to stalk you down

and curse every blessing

that could ever better your day

for the way you made me fall

your laugh makes me want to hunt you down

and curse every smile

that could ever grace your lips

for the harm you've caused me

your hate makes me want to bring you down

and curse every moment of happiness

that could ever improve your life

for the way you broke my heart

hypocrite

2.07.2004

daddy

i want to love you

like daddy never taught me

i want to learn what forever is

like daddy never showed me

i want to see the world

like daddy never tried

i want to be happy

like daddy never was

but mostly i wish daddy

wanted it like me

mostly i wish daddy

wasn't swallowing his own vomit

as he lie there on the bathroom floor

mostly i wish daddy

wasn't so different from me

mostly i wish daddy

loved me like i think i love him

i think

progress

growth so immeasurable

by outward manifestations

show me Your mighty work in me

bless me with memory

create me with a mind

so that when i recall times past

i remember my weakness

and find my strength

thank You for knowing my prayer

before it entered my mind

or escaped my lips

sight so immeasurable

by outward circumstance

show me Your mighty work in me

bless me with memory

create me with a mind

so that when i recall visions past

i remember the blur

and i find clarity

thank You for knowing my prayer

before it entered my mind

or escaped my lips

thank You for everything

thank You for You

2.05.2004

power

bless me with love

and i'll curse Your name

give me my gold

and i'll adorn You in thorns

shower me with peace

and i'll drive another nail

right through your heart

bleeding for me

and when it stops beating

i'll walk away

i'll turn on you

let my will be done

stab you in the back

satisfaction incomplete

at the lack of blood rush

bless me with love

and i'll curse Your name

give me my gold

and i'll adorn You in thorns

shower me with peace

and i'll drive another nail

right through your heart

bleeding for me

for all the times i've failed You

cried Your name and slapped Your face

and when it stops beating

i'll wish You were alive again

so that i could see the pain in Your eyes

so that i could feel my power

by reaching out and ripping Your broken flesh

bless me with love

and i'll curse Your name

give me my gold

and i'll adorn You in thorns

shower me with peace

and i'll drive another nail

right through your heart

bleeding for me

broken for me

and i'll wish i could have seen you

broken for me

so i could feel powerful

it makes me a man

to break you

2.04.2004

so thick to swallow

swallow my ambitions

so thick down my throat

at the chance for you to smile

a night without screaming

is worth the sacrifice

close your eyes

so you can't see my eyes

make love to me

make me believe i'm still human

after all these years

i've become so numb

i can't even feel you anymore

swallow my ambitions

so thick down my throat

at the chance for you to smile

at the chance to feel you

but after all these years

i've become so numb

i can't even feel you

can't even feel me anymore

i can't even believe

i'm still human

2.03.2004

dream come true

sharpen your nails

reach down my throat

choke out the life

cutting me deeper the farther you dig

i'm bleeding for you

for everything fathomed as truth

not so clearly portrayed as such

your weakness lies in deceit

your strength in charm

my weakness in integrity

my strength in denial

sharpen your nails

reach down my throat

choke out the life

cutting me deeper the farther you dig

i'm bleeding for you

for everything i love to hate

for everything i hate to love

2.02.2004

how i wish

whisper in the wind

words will find you there

grace your cheek as softly

as i wish my lips could

the corners of yours curl

towards the sky

where i wish we could fly together

smile shine through so glistening

how i wish i could gaze upon

how i wish we could fly together

how i wish we were together

2.01.2004

hold me now

hold me in your arms

tell me you care

whisper in my ear

hold me til the sun goes down

and tip the bottle at night

tip it heavy

over my sleeping eyes

trusting heart

careful not to spill a drop

on my made up face

adorned with my love for you

if only i knew

if only i knew who you were

your twisted expression

how you dement compassion

how you cheapen bliss

if only i knew

i was blinded by ignorance

i wouldn't have to dream anymore

to feel safe

i would know why my heart aches

why i fear you

maybe i would find what i'm searching for

whisper in my ear

hold me til the sun goes down

and tip the bottle at night

tip it heavy

over my sleeping eyes

trusting heart

careful not to spill a drop

on my made up face

careful not to spill a drop

of the wretched truth

on my made up heart

on our made up love

on our made up dream

in our made up paradise

for your made up existence

whisper in my ear

hold me til the sun goes down

and i'll never let you go