12.19.2004

Dressed to Kill

My body is my ammunition
Your charm is your rebutt
Arousing your lust is my specialty
Heartbreak is your weapon of choice

Set the board
The game is on
We'll write the rules as we go along
Await in anticipation to see who holds the last battle cry

Seduction is my Plan A
Subtlety is your defense
Your lingering longer is a task I can achieve
Commitment is the fleeting mask you bear

We're both fighting for something
You seek a satisfaction so temporary
I desire a deeper fulfillment
Such an unexpected, cunning rivalry

Deception is my ammunition
Hypocrisy is your rebutt
Teasing and taunting are my specialty
Shady disinterest is your weapon of choice

You've been led on and dismissed
Flesh was not created to be a trophy
Vengeance and victory never tasted so sweet
I hope it's hard to swallow, love

You're such a fool

12.16.2004

Your Fatal Kiss

My heart is drowning in the waves of your lies
Laced with your fatal kiss
Innocence was your weapon of choice
Oh, how sweetly oblivious you were to it in the beginning
Corruption molded you into a destroyer of worlds
I watched mine crumble as I knelt before you

Pleading

So many promises of forever tossed to the wind
Released with your last goodbye
Judgement was your weapon of choice
Oh, how deeply it cut me to hear the things you believed of me
Assumptions molded you into a breaker of hearts
I felt mine shatter as I wept in your arms

Bleeding

My hope is dwindling in the absence of your love
Excused with your phony reasons
Selfishness was your weapon of choice
Oh, how spiritually you justified your anger
Deception molded you into an abuser of love
I saw mine subside as I pushed you away

Fleeing

Freeing

12.14.2004

Suffocating Love

Inside your arms the world disappeared
As your warmth enveloped me, so did peace
My smile faded as I felt the breeze
I reached for you, a moment too late
Your heart left me yesterday

Did my presence no longer calm you?
My scent no longer bring a sigh?
Was it because I stole all the covers at night?
Because I was too much? Or too little?
Or was it really too good to be true?

My only proof of our existence is faded memories
Of smiles and silence that screamed with laughter
Waking up next to you and making your bed while you were in the shower
Helping you dress as an excuse to wrap my arms around you and breathe you in
Of a kiss that melted my soul

Life pulls at us from distant angles
Tearing us apart piece by piece
If only I'd have seen it from the beginning
I might have lingered longer
You might not have forgotten who I was
Love might not have suffocated in my selfishness

I've always consider myself impervious to fate
But now I find myself praying to it
Praying to bring you back to me
That our paths would cross again
The passion be reignited, the love rekindled

11.06.2004

The Battlefront

Your words are sweet
Your invitation is loving
But it's adventure I pursue
My soul longs for purity
An ongoing battle versus my flesh

I'll march on through the cold
Peering through my misty breath
Watching my steps dredge on
Rather than conform my ways
And enter into your warm embrace

You left me long ago
I'll never forget, I'll never forgive
You left me when I needed you most
I'll die of malnutrition
Before I drink of your ever-flowing water

Some call me prideful
Spiteful, vengeful, ignorant
But it's honesty I pursue
My flesh longs for closure
Battling my soul forever

You will not have my victory
I will fight until my death
I will provide all my needs
I will remember forever
Until the day I surely will die

10.01.2004

Touch, Brush Sanity's Edge

Five senses' behavior become erratic when you're within inches of me

What is it about you that drives me mad?

You flash that bright smile at me and I can't help but wonder what you see in me

Average is a good choice for the description of me

I don't possess beauty, I'm not overly intellegent, I don't excel in any way

Yet I hear your heart race when I'm close to you

Stop. This is heaven. I don't know if I can bear you

Searching for your flaw, there has to be something

Something that's going to shatter my worn heart

I've never felt so safe as I feel in your arms

Your touch drives me to the edge of sanity

Ordinary has escaped my vocabulary and life has taken on a new level of gorgeous

Tomorrow can only bring hope, I will greet it with a smile

Excitement fills my heart as I embark on a new journey

Of self discovery, on the path leaving loneliness

I've forgotten who I was, I will always remember who you are

8.15.2004

I Will Always Remember You

I remember the times you were jealous and reckless and careless and I could care less. The plain and not-so-simple fact is you tore us apart with your doubt. My heart is severed and you're drinking all my blood from that whiskey bottle, love. Hold it close, close than you ever let me get to you. I hope the bitterness gets you in the end, like yours destroyed me.

I would drown you in my sorrows if I thought you could feel the pain. You are the epitome of numb. I can't find anything in the bottom of my heart for you this time, I can't even find my heart. My chest cavity lies empty, though I remember when it was filled with dreams, with your false ambitions for happily ever after.

So I will reach to the bottom of my jacket pocket and pull out the end of my pain. This is the part where I wish I could hold you close and tell you everything's going to be okay. But instead, I pull the trigger, God have mercy.

8.04.2004

Parchment Escape Route

I hold delicately the sharpest tip I possess, pressing in hard to draw the ink. I watch as it stains the pure innocence of the parchment, as it spreads. Others would say this symbolizes my desire to draw your cold blood to the surface. That these words are the only thing keeping you alive, my parchment escape route. Except you're the only one escaping here.

If this be my only means of expression fitting to how I feel, then I will take this road. I will take the path that protects you, as much as I want to hate you. As much as I want to take this opportunity to show you what you really are. As much as I desire to show you how far you've fallen, my love. I will save you one last time, I will save you from myself. Goodbye never tasted so sweet for you.


---
I wonder if I should be sad about wasting this title I've had in my mind for so long on someone I don't even care about anymore.

7.24.2004

The End is Near

If the only way it's going to end

Is me dragging you the level of devastation you left me to despair in

Then I'll take pride in giving up on everything you ever wanted

I'll wait until you're as miserable as I am

And we're disgusted at the sight of each other

And then maybe you'll let me go

So I can be the innocent one again

7.22.2004

Oh, to Burn You

I hate how you see right through me. I hate how you know that I don't want you around anymore. I hate how you smell. I hate how disgustingly adorable you are. I hate how unhappy you make me. I hate how I can't leave you, after all that you've put me through. I think it will burn me more to hurt you than all the times you've left me alone to drown in my tears. The tears that you planted in my eyes with neglect. With anger. With impatience and lack of communication and jealous rage. I hate how I can't leave you because I don't want to hurt you. I hate how I can't think of myself even for a second. I hate how I can't be free. I hate that we're happy when you feel the need to save our relationship. Then there's the rest of the time, when you're not worried, when you're not fearing the moment I turn my back on you, and you take the first opportunity to turn yours first. I hate how I tear myself apart just to save your precious orgasm. I hate how I love you, how I hate to love you. I hate the end.

Fame and Fortune

Persistence gave you a name

A name loathed by the woman of your heart

Notorious enough to be hated by the one you love

The price you pay for being known

Might cost you the very reason you ever desired fame

Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth

If only we could exchange that for just one glance

One kiss. One night of ecstasy. I want to feel you close to me

I want you to whisper those three words so sweet

I can't ever take this mask off

I swear I've lost you for good

If only I could go back to the way things were

I miss how you used to notice me when I dropped my pencil

How you apologized when you bumped me in the halls

How you laughed, your gorgeous smile

How you didn't have a clue who I was

Because then you didn't possess such a hatred for me

And maybe then I would have had a chance

7.10.2004

Carved

After all these hours your scent lingers. After all these months, the scars still remain. The memories... taunting my heart to break the foolproof boundaries and return to you. The time we had together was so magnificent, so tragic, so everlasting, so short. For every mile keeping us part, a minute was spent bickering, we pushed each other away. Everything in me desires to erase those miles one by one and come back home, back to your arms, where the world fades away.

Your name isn't written on my heart, it's carved into my soul. Forgetting you is not on my to-do list, it's a feat that's impossible for the time being, and as far as I can see into the future. Everyone notices the difference you make in my life. They all see how you lift me up, how you bring me to life. I forgot what that felt like once, I don't want to forget anymore. I want to remember it all. Remember with me, we could run away forever, I could feel alive again. Remember with me, we could be in love again.

6.15.2004

The Haunting

I hide behind my parchment

Like you hide behind your lies

But where i find refuge

The truth is there haunting you

Twenty six letters will deliver me from my pain

But they cannot dig you out of your grave

We brought ourselves here

But now you cannot escape

And so your burial begins

How does it feel to be the beautiful one

Enjoy it while it lasts

Justice will find the truth within you

How does it feel when justice is served

Your fabricated lies willn't suffice

All-seeing eyes will gaze upon yours before long

Consequence will take its course

Shift the blame towards me in search of comfort

How does it feel to be the flavor for a spell

As aftermath yields your chosen verdict

And you count forever your enemy

5.23.2004

Forgetfulness

Forgetfulness is carelessness.

Erase all your memories of us.

Quite careless you are...

Derived from your accusations towards me

I hope you're happy now that you've driven me away

I wonder if you'll ever point the finger at yourself for a change

Then again, I doubt every mirror in the world pointed at you couldn't open your eyes

Thank you for teaching me responsibility and humility

I will never be like you

Hatred

...is what infiltrates my mind

When anger meets rage

And my soul begins to decay

Before my very eyes

All the love I know slips away

Blind from emotion I wander aimlessly

Without purpose

Empty without You

Hatred is what infiltrates my mind

Without You

Stop the rage

Stop the decay

Oh, Daddy, make it stop

5.18.2004

Best Friends

Bear false witness with your innocent smile

Unleash the devil in you the minute my back turns away

My eyes will never avert from you, so take caution

Every move you make, I observe

Every lie you tell pushes me farther away from you

Hypocrisy beams from you, I see through your act

Let's laugh together like best friends do

Throw your arms around me and shove your knife in my back

Oh, how it tickles

You will never take what is mine

5.14.2004

Brink of Death

Cut me deeper than the last

Your weapons sharpen with each victory over me

Or is that my weakness prevailing over my srength

Moreso with each blast

The scars from wounds before didn't heal wholly

I can feel them breaking beneath you

The sting of your breath is more than I can bear

When you strike again, I don't think I can stand

I pray for the worst, for it all to be over

You know how to burn within an inch of death

And not cross the line

You know how to inflict maximum suffering

Without the peace the end of me brings

You make me long for it

I want to be put out of my misery

Yet all I can do is lie here and take it on again

With a knife in my back

My flesh covered in blood and signs of past struggles

I feel so ugly, all that's left is scarring

All that's left is memories of each time I fought you

I give up this time

If I give you your victory, maybe this all will end

Please God, I want to end

5.07.2004

Bittersweet Ignorance

Your presence is poison

Seeping deeper every moment you're around

I'd rather my heart stopped beating when you're near

You ask me to stay for a while

As I pray for a while

Decay for a while

Like acid eating through my very soul

I don't believe a word you say

Your truth and kindness is laced with lies and deceit

I see past the facade

Ignorance kept me bittersweet

Now I've been around too long

It's time for me to be disposed of

Because your sugar coating is all but dissolved

You've gone sour and stale

And all that's left of bittersweet ignorance

Is dried seeds of bitterness ground into the dirt

Waiting for the nourishment of my tears

So that they can grow their strength

And find new prey

It won't be me again

Don't ask me to stay for a while

I'll pray for a while

As you decay for a while

I hope your next victim starves you of the satisfaction you never got from me

I hope you choke on your next prey

And never bite again

4.28.2004

Mister Wrong

Nice guys always finish last, but you never will

I'll find you, I'll love you, we'll conquer the world together

You'll never have to feel pain alone again

I've fallen in love with you

You're sheer perfection in my eyes

I won't leave you like they did

I'll be yours as long as I'm alive

If you're Mr. Wrong, I'll be Mrs. Wrong

You're still my Mr. Right

I grow weak in the knees at your half-smile

Your full-fledged grin melts me

Your laughter is my que for happiness

Your sorrow for my encouragement

Your life is my completion

Wherever you are, you're beautiful

You're everything I ever dreamed of and more

I could lie in bed for hours lost in thoughts of you

Of us

My laughter is your joy

My life is your completion

I'm everything you've ever dreamed of and more

In love with God together forever

Whisper those three words so soft and gentle

Cuddled close under the stars

Every time I shiver, I smile at your chilled arms around me

Trying to keep me warm

I feel like I could say a thousand words

About what I see in your eyes

In your heart

I could tell the story every day for the rest of my life

Of how we met

Our first kiss

Our first night together

We could leave a legend together

Show the world what the word love means

Bury their lust with something truer, deeper

Come out of bed, love, the day is bright

The birds are chirping

You're still the most adorable man ever, gray and tired

You're still everything I dreamed of, even if you can't remember my name

Everything I ever hoped for, even if you forget who I am

Your side is my home, I will stick by you all my days

I love you

4.27.2004

Sugar Coated Candy

Call me eye candy, I'm all lies

In your eyes I'm not real

But I see past your sugar coating

I've tasted your bitter core

Mask everything for the beauty of the world

The love of acquaintances will suffice

For you

False pretenses can't deliver a whole sense of being

Emptiness will overwhelm you in the end

Victory is something I wish I could shun

But it insists upon visiting my doorstep

Wrongdoing is your forte, and Godliness mine

I wish I could give you love

I wish I could open your eyes

Past the sugar coating

Past the sour interior

To a new creation

But you call me eye candy, I'm all lies

I'm not real in your eyes

Wallow in your self-infatuation

Smile on the outside in your man-made paradise

Await the day the truth will prevail

I'll be here bearing this knife in my chest

Waiting for you to come around


--

Yay me, I actually wrote about my own life for once. That felt good.

4.19.2004

The Beauty of My Heart

Screaming at the top of my lungs

But all you see is me smiling

All you see is who you think I am

All that I wish I was

Wish I could be

Bleeding from my heart for you

But all you see is me laughing

All you see is who you think I am

All I wish that I was today

Wish that I could be for you

For me

For everyone else who thought there was more to this

More to this than fabricated lies

More to this than believing in a fairy tale

More to this than the reality

This is the reality

I'm nothing

I deserve nothing

Kill me slowly with every breath

Closer to the end

Closer to becoming what I am

Every day I continue breathing, seeing

Continue feeling, tasting

But I'm not alive anymore

I can't feel anymore

Can't breathe you anymore

4.09.2004

The Whirlwind

Suck me into the whirlwind

I can't fight you anymore

I hate the word love

Indulge myself in your glamour

I don't care about the lies

I love anyway

Suck me into the whirlwind

Because I can't fight me anymore

I hate the word love

I hate to love you

I'd love to hate you

Indulge myself in your glamour

Earn myself a front row seat

To the failure of compassion

The success of deception

I want to smile

I can't fight myself anymore

Here is your victory

Silver lining and all

My open heart for you to bury with your lust


--

I so ripped myself off with that.
In January, I wrote a poem ending with the lines:
This is my inspiration
Silver lining and all
My open heart for you to bury with your lust


Sometimes I feel like I write the same thing all the time, the same words, the same phrases. I don't know... blah. [/rant]

3.29.2004

Dear Innocence

The more I search for you

The further away I realize I've become

I can't help but wonder

If you could pay me a visit sometime

When I'm around you, I feel restored

I don't remember how I lost you

How could this have happened?

All that's in me longs for your return

Awaits it

But I can't help but wonder

If my heart's too black for you to recognize

Will you turn and run?

Everything in me longs to see you again

To feel you again

Shower Me With False Innocence

Whisper the lies

That bring a smile to my face

And tears to my eyes

Seduce me with your cynicism

Deceive me with your lust

Make me feel comfortable

So that I don't have to be accountable

Bury me with your injustice

So that I can blame you

When judgment comes


--

Weeee, I wrote again. Yay!

3.22.2004

Eric, You Are

If I were an idolater
You would be my object of praise

If I were a painter
You would be the most beautiful strokes a canvas ever saw

If I were a songwriter
You would be a melody hummed in envy, in desire

But I am just a girl
You are just my soulmate


--

This really sucks. I don't even know why I posted it. Rawr.

3.07.2004

Glimmer of Hope

Why does the moon bother trying to light the dark sky

Does it possess a glimmer of hope to save the pale, dreary souls

Who deny everything but their own suffering

Why does a candle stay light in a room with the blinds pulled

Does it possess a glimmer of hope the breeze won't extinguish it

As it wisps its way toward the dwindling flame

3.04.2004

i will meet you there

close your eyes

as the song from my lips

calms you to sleep

and i'll meet you there

where we break out of the cage

we escape the bars, escape reality

and i can reach out and your hand will meet mine

our fingers bend along each other's

and you pull me close

and kiss me so softly

and i dont have to know that its not real

i dont want to know its not real

i could stay here forever

if i didnt know there was something better

if i didnt know how much better it will be

when i really can reach out and your hand will meet mine

our fingers bending along each other's

and you pull me close

and kiss me so softly

and i can feel your breath as you whisper

i love you

then i'll never want to let you go

i dont ever want to let you go

but until i can tell you face to face

until i can say i love you with the depths

my eyes portray

until i can feel your breath as you whisper

ill sing the words

that calm you to sleep

and ill meet you there

in an alternate reality

a glimpse of the perfection that is to come

i love you

3.03.2004

sanctification

rid me of justification

i want complete annihilation

of complication

aggravation

lead me into glorification

for the modification

of this place so God-forsaken

i give full concentration

with anticipation

of manifestations

of your sanctification


--

wow. umm. i guess my vocab needed excercising :P

2.28.2004

dear daddy

grandma showed me pictures, daddy
of a boy so young and fresh
and he looked so much like you, daddy
but only in the aspect of flesh

grandma showed me pictures, daddy
of a boy who laughed and played
and he looked so much like you, daddy
but it couldn't have been you, so dismayed

grandma showed me pictures, daddy
of a boy so happy and content
and he looked so much like you, daddy
but i know that life you resent

grandma showed me pictures, daddy
of a boy i wish you could be
and he looked so much like you, daddy
but you're not him anymore, i see

2.21.2004

o, lover

snuggle close

whisper her name softly into my innocently trusting ear

watch me as the hurt draws to the surface

hold me tight

suffocate any chance of my legs taking off

betray me as long as my heart stays with you

tell me you love me

tell me it was all a mistake

so i can wear this knife in my back and take you on again

2.11.2004

hypocrite

your doubt makes me want to stalk you down

and curse every blessing

that could ever better your day

for the way you made me fall

your laugh makes me want to hunt you down

and curse every smile

that could ever grace your lips

for the harm you've caused me

your hate makes me want to bring you down

and curse every moment of happiness

that could ever improve your life

for the way you broke my heart

hypocrite

2.07.2004

daddy

i want to love you

like daddy never taught me

i want to learn what forever is

like daddy never showed me

i want to see the world

like daddy never tried

i want to be happy

like daddy never was

but mostly i wish daddy

wanted it like me

mostly i wish daddy

wasn't swallowing his own vomit

as he lie there on the bathroom floor

mostly i wish daddy

wasn't so different from me

mostly i wish daddy

loved me like i think i love him

i think

progress

growth so immeasurable

by outward manifestations

show me Your mighty work in me

bless me with memory

create me with a mind

so that when i recall times past

i remember my weakness

and find my strength

thank You for knowing my prayer

before it entered my mind

or escaped my lips

sight so immeasurable

by outward circumstance

show me Your mighty work in me

bless me with memory

create me with a mind

so that when i recall visions past

i remember the blur

and i find clarity

thank You for knowing my prayer

before it entered my mind

or escaped my lips

thank You for everything

thank You for You

2.05.2004

power

bless me with love

and i'll curse Your name

give me my gold

and i'll adorn You in thorns

shower me with peace

and i'll drive another nail

right through your heart

bleeding for me

and when it stops beating

i'll walk away

i'll turn on you

let my will be done

stab you in the back

satisfaction incomplete

at the lack of blood rush

bless me with love

and i'll curse Your name

give me my gold

and i'll adorn You in thorns

shower me with peace

and i'll drive another nail

right through your heart

bleeding for me

for all the times i've failed You

cried Your name and slapped Your face

and when it stops beating

i'll wish You were alive again

so that i could see the pain in Your eyes

so that i could feel my power

by reaching out and ripping Your broken flesh

bless me with love

and i'll curse Your name

give me my gold

and i'll adorn You in thorns

shower me with peace

and i'll drive another nail

right through your heart

bleeding for me

broken for me

and i'll wish i could have seen you

broken for me

so i could feel powerful

it makes me a man

to break you

2.04.2004

so thick to swallow

swallow my ambitions

so thick down my throat

at the chance for you to smile

a night without screaming

is worth the sacrifice

close your eyes

so you can't see my eyes

make love to me

make me believe i'm still human

after all these years

i've become so numb

i can't even feel you anymore

swallow my ambitions

so thick down my throat

at the chance for you to smile

at the chance to feel you

but after all these years

i've become so numb

i can't even feel you

can't even feel me anymore

i can't even believe

i'm still human

2.03.2004

dream come true

sharpen your nails

reach down my throat

choke out the life

cutting me deeper the farther you dig

i'm bleeding for you

for everything fathomed as truth

not so clearly portrayed as such

your weakness lies in deceit

your strength in charm

my weakness in integrity

my strength in denial

sharpen your nails

reach down my throat

choke out the life

cutting me deeper the farther you dig

i'm bleeding for you

for everything i love to hate

for everything i hate to love

2.02.2004

how i wish

whisper in the wind

words will find you there

grace your cheek as softly

as i wish my lips could

the corners of yours curl

towards the sky

where i wish we could fly together

smile shine through so glistening

how i wish i could gaze upon

how i wish we could fly together

how i wish we were together

2.01.2004

hold me now

hold me in your arms

tell me you care

whisper in my ear

hold me til the sun goes down

and tip the bottle at night

tip it heavy

over my sleeping eyes

trusting heart

careful not to spill a drop

on my made up face

adorned with my love for you

if only i knew

if only i knew who you were

your twisted expression

how you dement compassion

how you cheapen bliss

if only i knew

i was blinded by ignorance

i wouldn't have to dream anymore

to feel safe

i would know why my heart aches

why i fear you

maybe i would find what i'm searching for

whisper in my ear

hold me til the sun goes down

and tip the bottle at night

tip it heavy

over my sleeping eyes

trusting heart

careful not to spill a drop

on my made up face

careful not to spill a drop

of the wretched truth

on my made up heart

on our made up love

on our made up dream

in our made up paradise

for your made up existence

whisper in my ear

hold me til the sun goes down

and i'll never let you go

1.31.2004

the harsh reality

i close my eyes

in an attempt to escape

the harsh reality

the distance between

the boundaries of the only language i can speak to you

in this moment

i see you there

in an alternate reality

the beautiful imaginary

so close together

a whole new language of love to express to you

in this moment

i love you

1.30.2004

true beauty lies

sometimes true beauty lies

in the ugliness we no longer embody

in the weakness we no longer succumb to

in the horror we no longer portray

in all that You have overcome

sometimes true beauty lies

in everything i am not

because You live in me


--
well, it's nice to be able to write again...
but now i can't stop. <3

hope for the world

i hold the pen so delicately

so softly

and drive cursed words

into the parchment so pure

so gorgeous in its innocence

with my false ambitions

to please you

this is my inspiration

silver lining and all

my open heart for you to bury with your lust

1.12.2004

my sacrifice

You made the sacrifice, and not i. You wore the crown of thorns, not i.

and i call it my sacrifice.

my sacrifice to spat in Your face with my lifestyle

my sacrifice to make a mockery of You in my hypocrisy

my sacrifice to impose my beliefs on those perfectly content without You

my sacrifice to trust in something untangible

my sacrifice to unload my burden upon Your scarred, broken flesh

my sacrifice, not Yours

You made the sacrifice, and not i. You wore the crown of thorns, not i.

and i call it my sacrifice.