9.21.2003

ignorance

how can you be so ignorant, child? you think your mistakes render no consequences. what about the pain it causes me? the worry?

do you realize that we care for you? you think that this is all fun and games. what about the risk you're taking? the chances?

how can you not long for the latter, child? you think that living willfully renders happiness. what about the peace you could have? the joy?

do you realize there's something better? you think that this is what you want. what about the losses you're enduring? the emptiness?

9.13.2003

Daddy Dearest

You leave me your mess and expect me to forgive you as I pick up the pieces of everything you've shattered. Who are you to call me friend?

You desert your precious ones and see no error in what you've done, you've destroyed. Open your eyes to your own flaws, father. You've cut me deep this time, too deep, and I can't forgive you anymore.

I can't forget what you've done to us, I can't ignore this pain. I can't ignore the look in her eyes, seeing what you've done to her. You've crushed her. And now I don't see you as I used to. I can't.

You expect so much from me, father. I can only take so much from you, and this is too much...

This is too much.

Absence

Absence of a sense of wholeness has driven me to end it...

What about the times we smiled? What about the obstacles we overcame? What about the commitment we made...

Together.

Absence of a sense of security has driven me to end it...

How can you sleep at night? How can you live like this? How can you say good bye, and leave me...

Alone.

Absence of you has driven me to end it...

To end it.


[Divorce is evil.]

9.08.2003

Shattered

You left me one day and returned to my mind, tangling me in confusion, love. I thought you were gone but your subtle reflections show you're near. What are you looking for? Do you want to see me move on? Or do you want me back?

Walk away from me and let me find closure. Let me find definition and solidity. Let me be with myself for sometime. I thought you were gone but I know you're near, your subtle reflections are tangling me in confusion.

You broke me one day and the pieces fell down, entangled by the confusion your subtle reflections bring. I am almost whole again, why are you back here now? Do you want to see me crumble again? Broken before you? Does it elevate your pedastool to see my tears drop to the ground before you? Does it make you a man to break me?

9.04.2003

Without

Worry is no longer a burden I carry. But the mystery lies in the fact that I feel I have gone through more of a loss than a lifting. Emptiness lies where lightness should.

My nature creates longings to hear your voice, to hear you laugh. At this present moment, nothing else can suffice.

I cannot find rest knowing that I'm alone. I cannot fathom what the days will be like when I don't have you to run to.

Worry is no longer a burden I carry. But the mystery lies in the fact that I feel heaviness where I should have comfort. I feel discontent in the aspect where I should graciously accept closure.

My nature wants to carry it, wants to lug it around hour to hour. My heart covets the days of question. Those days of wondering have now turned into moments of pain. Inside I would rather pine in grief over the unresolved, than over the loss.

I cannot find rest knowing that I'm alone. I cannot fathom what the hours will be like without you to love.

9.02.2003

disbelief

what we saw within our grasp not long ago has been snuffed out by doubt and disillusion. what the hell do i have to do to make you believe we can make it? just leave me be. i'll make it alone. i always have.

honesty in a sense escaped you. dishonesty has not consumed you, but avoidance of the truth has brought harm to the one you loved. once. once you loved me.

few and far between became our moments, our intimacy, and you distanced yourself from me. i gazed at you from a ways, curiosity and confusion portrayed in my eyes. but you were looking away from me. you went away from me.

"what they do, never let em take what you have"

not out of deliberance but out of neglegence you harmed me, but you will not take my peace. i shall not despair but rejoice in knowing, i know what you are now.

mediocrity becomes us. trust and love and hope grow faint. and i whisper goodbye into the darkness, like you're actually listening... like you actually care.