4.21.2003

Mommy Dearest

Who are you that call me daughter?
Who are you that scream my name?
Who claims this voice that makes me shudder?
Who are you that bring this pain?

Who are you that call me fake?
Who are you that scream I lie?
Who claims this ugly heart that harms me?
Who are you with plank in eye?

Who are you that call me daughter?
Who are you that scream your love?
Who claims this false pretension mother?
Who are you for which it's never enough?

4.13.2003

My Love?

"I can hear you in a whisper, but you can't even hear me speaking..."

or screaming....

I cry to you. You answer at your convenience. Where do I find you, my love? Lost beneath the shadows of a darkened race. You are covered in the ashes of the fire. Shake them off, my love, come out. Return to me.

Have I lost you to the pain? Have you become numb to it? Numb to me? Can you feel me? I'm reaching for you, reaching for you, my love.

Did I cut you too deep, my love? The blood is rushing... make it stop.... make it stop......

My love? My love, can you hear me? I'm calling your name, can you hear me? My love? My LOVE!

My love, is that your face blurred by the burning tears? My reddened eyes, they search for you. Is that you, my love?

"I know I can stop the pain if I will it all away..."

GOD!!!!!!!!!!!! How do I will it away? What is Your Will? Must I will you away, my love? When will the pain stop? When will it stop? My love? What must I do to stop it? To stop the pain... I feel it... you feel it....

"Immobilized by my fear, and soon to be blinded by tears"

My love, I'm searching for you... where have you gone to? Are you lost? My love.... ?

"This truth drive me into madness"

"I know I can stop the pain, if I will it all away..."

4.10.2003

The Eyes of T.J. Eckelburg

I see you through the eyes of Dr. T.J. Eckelburg, the all-seeing eyes....

I see you love two in one moment. You thief. Do you love truly, or only think you do? Liar! Thief!

Your heart, your love, given to the one God placed here for you. And what do you do? You distort and abuse the beautiful concept of sharing. You twist it to fit what you feel, what you want. Who do you belong to? Are you his or not? Or do you only give as you see fit? Thief!

A love overseas, out of reach, or is it? You don't know! It's out of your hands. Trust in the Lord.

Love is not to be handed out like candy, whether you do it often or not. Thief! Stop hiding behind your mask, you and your mutilated heart. Who are you inside? Thief!

It's not honesty, it's complication. It's not flattering, it's confusion. Leave him be! Let him have peace, without you.

Give your heart wholly, not in pieces, but in true giving, completely, soully.

Did you smile? Did you laugh? Did you giggle? Did you "behave"? Did you squirm? Did you have butterflies? Was it really worth it? Thief! Dirty, dirty thief! That is all that you are. Dirty, dirty thief!

4.06.2003

In the beginning...

"The way you are... the way you are.... couldnt bring more joy..."

And yet, doesn't it? Every day? Every time that phone rings and I race to the answer it, and it's your voice on the other end? Every time you say I love you... it does.

Couldn't a few other things in life reserve such quality?? Couldn't other things be good??

Couldn't other sings seek to heal rather than destroy?
Couldn't they love and believe?? Couldn't they be REAL??? Or could they????

How is it that a person can live for so long with God, and find only one good thing in this life???

It's not that it isn't enough, it's so much more than that. But... aren't there friends that aren't thousands of miles away? Aren't there good things here??

This God-forsaken planet. YOU ARE ALL LOST!!! Come home. Don't you know where home is? Don't you know there is a place where there is a Father that will always love you? Haven't you been shown the way? Are you too blind to see?

"I see the fire in your eyes, and I hope for the world that it never dies..."

WHY? Why do you let it die? Over... and over... and over... you all. You all let it die. A race of Christianity has arosen that is hollow, dead. Who the hell are you to tell them about your God? He is not your Lord. For your Lord is your Master, your ruler, and the world rules you. The world is YOUR god.

Why can't you see who WE are??

To only find one good thing... is more. More than a million others will ever find.

How many will spend their lives searching? And never find? How many will die and die forever? Because of you? Who are you to tell them the good news? Tell yourself the good news. And listen.

Are we the only two in this place, my love, who love God? I know not, but I don't see it. I don't see it.