12.18.2003

i feel...

alone. i see you in my thoughts, but your soft voice hasn't graced my ears in days.

abandoned. i see you in my dreams, but your smiling face hasn't gazed upon mine in weeks.

insecure. i see you in my heart, but your love hasn't reached to me in so long.

alone. i see you in my thoughts, but i fear your soft voice will no longer grace my ears.

abandoned. i see you in my dreams, but i fear your smiling face will never gaze upon mine again.

insecure. i see you in my heart, but i fear your love isn't mine anymore.

9.21.2003

ignorance

how can you be so ignorant, child? you think your mistakes render no consequences. what about the pain it causes me? the worry?

do you realize that we care for you? you think that this is all fun and games. what about the risk you're taking? the chances?

how can you not long for the latter, child? you think that living willfully renders happiness. what about the peace you could have? the joy?

do you realize there's something better? you think that this is what you want. what about the losses you're enduring? the emptiness?

9.13.2003

Daddy Dearest

You leave me your mess and expect me to forgive you as I pick up the pieces of everything you've shattered. Who are you to call me friend?

You desert your precious ones and see no error in what you've done, you've destroyed. Open your eyes to your own flaws, father. You've cut me deep this time, too deep, and I can't forgive you anymore.

I can't forget what you've done to us, I can't ignore this pain. I can't ignore the look in her eyes, seeing what you've done to her. You've crushed her. And now I don't see you as I used to. I can't.

You expect so much from me, father. I can only take so much from you, and this is too much...

This is too much.

Absence

Absence of a sense of wholeness has driven me to end it...

What about the times we smiled? What about the obstacles we overcame? What about the commitment we made...

Together.

Absence of a sense of security has driven me to end it...

How can you sleep at night? How can you live like this? How can you say good bye, and leave me...

Alone.

Absence of you has driven me to end it...

To end it.


[Divorce is evil.]

9.08.2003

Shattered

You left me one day and returned to my mind, tangling me in confusion, love. I thought you were gone but your subtle reflections show you're near. What are you looking for? Do you want to see me move on? Or do you want me back?

Walk away from me and let me find closure. Let me find definition and solidity. Let me be with myself for sometime. I thought you were gone but I know you're near, your subtle reflections are tangling me in confusion.

You broke me one day and the pieces fell down, entangled by the confusion your subtle reflections bring. I am almost whole again, why are you back here now? Do you want to see me crumble again? Broken before you? Does it elevate your pedastool to see my tears drop to the ground before you? Does it make you a man to break me?

9.04.2003

Without

Worry is no longer a burden I carry. But the mystery lies in the fact that I feel I have gone through more of a loss than a lifting. Emptiness lies where lightness should.

My nature creates longings to hear your voice, to hear you laugh. At this present moment, nothing else can suffice.

I cannot find rest knowing that I'm alone. I cannot fathom what the days will be like when I don't have you to run to.

Worry is no longer a burden I carry. But the mystery lies in the fact that I feel heaviness where I should have comfort. I feel discontent in the aspect where I should graciously accept closure.

My nature wants to carry it, wants to lug it around hour to hour. My heart covets the days of question. Those days of wondering have now turned into moments of pain. Inside I would rather pine in grief over the unresolved, than over the loss.

I cannot find rest knowing that I'm alone. I cannot fathom what the hours will be like without you to love.

9.02.2003

disbelief

what we saw within our grasp not long ago has been snuffed out by doubt and disillusion. what the hell do i have to do to make you believe we can make it? just leave me be. i'll make it alone. i always have.

honesty in a sense escaped you. dishonesty has not consumed you, but avoidance of the truth has brought harm to the one you loved. once. once you loved me.

few and far between became our moments, our intimacy, and you distanced yourself from me. i gazed at you from a ways, curiosity and confusion portrayed in my eyes. but you were looking away from me. you went away from me.

"what they do, never let em take what you have"

not out of deliberance but out of neglegence you harmed me, but you will not take my peace. i shall not despair but rejoice in knowing, i know what you are now.

mediocrity becomes us. trust and love and hope grow faint. and i whisper goodbye into the darkness, like you're actually listening... like you actually care.

8.29.2003

Deeper

You've brought me to a new plane of exploration of discovery and thought and deeper love. All these obstacles only lead me to the conclusion that I'm headed towards You.

"Whenever I'm alone with you, you make me feel like I am whole again"

Drained to my toes, empty and breathless I came to you, and now I'm overflowing. In my brokenness complete. I know always more than ever that I need You.

"Whenever I'm alone with you, you make me feel like I am free again.... clean again"

Ties I had created are cut, I can reach for You with all of me now. All the dirtiness that became me is cleansed. I'm Yours and free. Now that it's broken, I feel You again. Now that it's broken, I feel free again, clean again.

Foolishness has escaped me and knowledge has consumed me, and for that I rejoice. I held so long to the fall of myself, thinking that it was what I wanted. Now that it's broken, I can grow again. Now that I'm here, I can find You again.

Alone and calloused, I forgot what I once held so dear. Now that I know what I'm missing, I can't leave You again.

8.26.2003

Heavy Laden

I whisper in the wind knowing my voice will carry to You.

I wait for Your answer, speak to me.

Elimination of those things surrounding moreso envelopes me in Your presence.

Serenity, peace, contentment, consumption.

8.18.2003

Goodbye, My Love

"It's been a long time... since I've felt the rain upon my head"

It's been a long time since the path ahead of me was fogged over and in question. Since I trodded through puddles to get to you. Since I was wet and cold, but persevering towards you.

Where you would bring me warmth.

"Were my arms too short to ransom you?"

Five hundred miles too far to stretch?

I feel like my arms are ten thousand times longer from reaching for you. Wasn't it enough? Were you so far out of reach? My love?

"Stitch your eyes so you could read this forever"

Read this forever. Forever. I've lost you forever. No... I have to forget...

7.23.2003

Love Lost

My heart has twisted and been worn into a thousand pieces. You said you would wait. And I yearn for you more, long for your voice. A word arrives... you have left.

Tears burn, sobs escape. Deepest heartache overwhelms me. How can something so precious, so sought after, so treasured... be lost so quickly?

Goodbye, my love. I have feared these words for so long. Now there is no escaping them. You are hers.

Part of me wants to love you again. I want you, my love. Return to me.

No, I say. God’s will is done.

Where is the plan in this? I yearn to see God, and yet all I see is pain. The sky has gone bleak. My world is lit, but I can’t see the rays of sunshine that light my day.

To grasp the reality is to subject myself to the wrenching of my heart. To see in my mind you with her, nameless, faceless her, fills my mind with grief. What did I do to lose you? Where did I go wrong?

What could I have done to keep you?

To love you?

Forever?

It was ahead of us, in our grasp. Snatched away in a heartbeat. We were envied, admired, persecuted, and encouraged. Where did you go, my love?

Is this all real?

Have I lost you?

Forever?

4.21.2003

Mommy Dearest

Who are you that call me daughter?
Who are you that scream my name?
Who claims this voice that makes me shudder?
Who are you that bring this pain?

Who are you that call me fake?
Who are you that scream I lie?
Who claims this ugly heart that harms me?
Who are you with plank in eye?

Who are you that call me daughter?
Who are you that scream your love?
Who claims this false pretension mother?
Who are you for which it's never enough?

4.13.2003

My Love?

"I can hear you in a whisper, but you can't even hear me speaking..."

or screaming....

I cry to you. You answer at your convenience. Where do I find you, my love? Lost beneath the shadows of a darkened race. You are covered in the ashes of the fire. Shake them off, my love, come out. Return to me.

Have I lost you to the pain? Have you become numb to it? Numb to me? Can you feel me? I'm reaching for you, reaching for you, my love.

Did I cut you too deep, my love? The blood is rushing... make it stop.... make it stop......

My love? My love, can you hear me? I'm calling your name, can you hear me? My love? My LOVE!

My love, is that your face blurred by the burning tears? My reddened eyes, they search for you. Is that you, my love?

"I know I can stop the pain if I will it all away..."

GOD!!!!!!!!!!!! How do I will it away? What is Your Will? Must I will you away, my love? When will the pain stop? When will it stop? My love? What must I do to stop it? To stop the pain... I feel it... you feel it....

"Immobilized by my fear, and soon to be blinded by tears"

My love, I'm searching for you... where have you gone to? Are you lost? My love.... ?

"This truth drive me into madness"

"I know I can stop the pain, if I will it all away..."

4.10.2003

The Eyes of T.J. Eckelburg

I see you through the eyes of Dr. T.J. Eckelburg, the all-seeing eyes....

I see you love two in one moment. You thief. Do you love truly, or only think you do? Liar! Thief!

Your heart, your love, given to the one God placed here for you. And what do you do? You distort and abuse the beautiful concept of sharing. You twist it to fit what you feel, what you want. Who do you belong to? Are you his or not? Or do you only give as you see fit? Thief!

A love overseas, out of reach, or is it? You don't know! It's out of your hands. Trust in the Lord.

Love is not to be handed out like candy, whether you do it often or not. Thief! Stop hiding behind your mask, you and your mutilated heart. Who are you inside? Thief!

It's not honesty, it's complication. It's not flattering, it's confusion. Leave him be! Let him have peace, without you.

Give your heart wholly, not in pieces, but in true giving, completely, soully.

Did you smile? Did you laugh? Did you giggle? Did you "behave"? Did you squirm? Did you have butterflies? Was it really worth it? Thief! Dirty, dirty thief! That is all that you are. Dirty, dirty thief!

4.06.2003

In the beginning...

"The way you are... the way you are.... couldnt bring more joy..."

And yet, doesn't it? Every day? Every time that phone rings and I race to the answer it, and it's your voice on the other end? Every time you say I love you... it does.

Couldn't a few other things in life reserve such quality?? Couldn't other things be good??

Couldn't other sings seek to heal rather than destroy?
Couldn't they love and believe?? Couldn't they be REAL??? Or could they????

How is it that a person can live for so long with God, and find only one good thing in this life???

It's not that it isn't enough, it's so much more than that. But... aren't there friends that aren't thousands of miles away? Aren't there good things here??

This God-forsaken planet. YOU ARE ALL LOST!!! Come home. Don't you know where home is? Don't you know there is a place where there is a Father that will always love you? Haven't you been shown the way? Are you too blind to see?

"I see the fire in your eyes, and I hope for the world that it never dies..."

WHY? Why do you let it die? Over... and over... and over... you all. You all let it die. A race of Christianity has arosen that is hollow, dead. Who the hell are you to tell them about your God? He is not your Lord. For your Lord is your Master, your ruler, and the world rules you. The world is YOUR god.

Why can't you see who WE are??

To only find one good thing... is more. More than a million others will ever find.

How many will spend their lives searching? And never find? How many will die and die forever? Because of you? Who are you to tell them the good news? Tell yourself the good news. And listen.

Are we the only two in this place, my love, who love God? I know not, but I don't see it. I don't see it.