4.30.2017

every day getting older
every day getting more fucked up

4.22.2017

shade.

i am
deeply regretful about your
discomfort when
you saw him but
the knowing
in your eyes
it might save my friend, and for that
i am grateful

tired in a way i am at least trying to put into words

i am exhausted
from trying. for two
years, pouring myself into something that
didn't even come
close to working. i am tired from going on
dates and the connection only ever
going one way, tired from saying that i
am not going to have sex for
thirty days and then
two days later removing
all a boy's clothing and
taking him to his bedroom.
goodbye.
i am tired from missing you even though
missing you has never accomplished
anything, i spent
two years missing you while you
were sititng right next to me
an immeasurable amount of
time and
effort spent on
things that do. not. translate! you were the
sun and you filled everything with
light, but i was a
downpour and i was dried. up.
in the heat

4.20.2017

a wonderful day.

i turned 33 yesterday
you hope i had a wonderful day, you said.
twice.
but i remember
last year, on my birthday
when you waited until i
was beaming, sitting with
you on my porch, finally winding
down and you said
that you couldn't not say something, couldn't
end the night in peace and talk
tomorrow, couldn't
stay after the arguing started and i couldn't
stop crying or stay calm, i was
still jet-lagged and tear stained post
three days sleeping next to a
hospital bed, i couldn't
not flip my dining table on its
end, in a rage, a most
fitting action to represent my
inner turmoil but. sure.

you hope i had a wonderful day, you said
twice

4.15.2017

this is gonna be the best day of my life.

this is
the second time i have done this, the second
time i have put on a dress and practiced
over and over in my head, i
do, i
do, i
do.
take you, but i am waiting here in this
white dress certain you
will never come
and maybe that's the only reason i am
even here
in the first place
but then you walk through the
doors of this church, and you
are not only here, you are
happy
so i say it.
i do.
but not before i shed this image in my
head of the perfect day opening the
door to a happy life and a
future
together
not before i am cut free of this
gown, this image of a glowing
bride walking toward promises of
a man that will stand beside her in
sickness or in
health, and i don something more
plain, more
submissive, more
quiet, less
loud, less
decisive, less
bold, less
hopeful and more
fitting for
today and all my
days until i
die by your side like i
died today

sleeping alone at night again.

i washed my sheets today but
not for you.
for me.

text me tomorrow maybe.

i want more than
speaking to you with my
body, disheveled hair and
cigarettes after
sex, naked in the
doorway.
i like it when you talk out loud in general
and not just because your voice is
quite the beautiful sound, it's
the things you say, it's
the way you smile when you say them, it's
your kindness and your brilliance and your
ability to form the most
delightful
imagery with
the same english language i speak, in
hopes half as beautifully as you.
it's your laugh and the
warmth in your eyes, it's
smoking the same brand and
never wanting the night to end, it's
when you kiss me in the
middle of a sentence, it's
when you say yes ma'am, it's
the way my breath catches in my
throat when you
wrap your arms around me, it's
both our houses rebuilt and
all the things beneath the surface
yearning to be discovered.
it's wanting to
know you, deeply.
wholly.
more.

4.02.2017

hello.

i walk away from
tonight with only one
regret

that i didn't wait
until the rain slowed from from a downpour to a sprinkle as the
backdrop to the moment your
lips met
mine
for the first time

a kiss that left me
smiling like an idiot
involuntarily but i'm not
complaining because i wasn't sure that a
kiss could make me feel like i
could forget every
thing, every
one that has ever
happened to and around and inside me, and not like it doesn't all exist and every
piece of it didn't shape me and bring me to this very occasion

but it doesn't swallow me up anymore

your fingers in my
hair, your
hand on my spine and for one
moment it's just
us and the rain and nothing
else
exists, not
tomorrow morning, not
the boring or mundane or
anything awful or lacking even slightly in beauty

6.13.2016

solid.

most days i am a
tangled
mess
of emotions, i dream of
being a rock, my
feet firmly
planted, i dream of being an
impenetrable fortress of
strength, my
feelings safely tucked into their
right and
proper place, i feel
weak for being so
easily
swayed but even the
earth
shakes

5.25.2016

escape.

i cannot
escape
you

no matter how hard i try

but
somewhere along the
way, i
stopped
wanting
to

5.22.2016

asleep.

there is so
much
in my mind
that i am not awake to

so many dark corners, so many
pieces so long unused they can
only be likened to
atrophied muscles

wake up! o and how long have i
been in this state

too deep to be
gently nudged conscious, i require
sirens and storms
to awaken me from
this sleep

5.17.2016

beholden.

it is so
easy
to forget
our frailty
i told life,
bring it on
and brought it life did
i was not
as ready
as i thought but
you stand by me, you
are patient as i
unravel, you
wrap me in your arms even when i
have been at my
worst, oh. you!
you top the list of
things
in my life
that i do not
deserve

dismantle.

i have been
crawling out of my
skin, wanting to
scream that
you
do not
have to dismantle me
to fix our problems

i have slept since then

today, i have been
arguing with the
whirlwind of
emotions that is my
subconscious, and i am saying
listen.

being dismantled is not the same as
being torn apart, it is not
falling to pieces, and if i would just
stop
being
so god damn stubborn and
open myself up to you in the
first place, you
could see inside, you could
see
all my pieces, you could
study me in all my
intricacies and i know
that if i break or
if i fall, you will be
standing right next to me
helping me pick myself back up and
pouring your
love into
all my cracks

5.15.2016

surrender.

seeing you
happy, hearing you
speak about how you have
not
felt
this whole
in a long time
is happiness
to me

your smile, your
laugh, your
cheesy jokes and the
way
you wrap me up
in your arms

these are the best things.

each day i
wake and i don't know
anything else anymore but to
pour
myself
out to you and i
am happy to give you
all of me, i have been
honored
to know you
to love you

but somewhere down this
road, i started to feel
empty. you are
building yourself back
up, making something
beautiful of all
your broken
pieces but i seem
to have forgotten
how to do that for myself, i
still fail you in
a million small ways
every day and i
am tormented at night by the
distance in your voice, the
hours we spend
apart, the few we spend
together just
tearing
one another
apart

i dream over and again of those three
small
words

one way relationship

but all i want for you is that
wholeness! that
healing! that
magic we used to
be to one another, just
/love/! i want
to be the thing you
dream of, the one you cannot
wait
to spend every
spare
moment with but i
am not her.
so

i love you
deeply
wholly
fiercely but
you
can go now

but please know that
/loving you/
has been the single
greatest
time
of my life.

5.13.2016

mortality.

watching someone who
raised you up in their womb become
intimately acquainted with
fear
of death
will change you
it will break down everything
inside of yourself that you
thought you knew as you replay
every
harsh
word
you have ever said to her
WHY
does it matter
how do we ever
let our anger grow greater
than our love
how are we ever so
consumed
with their mistakes that we lose sight of the
/human being/
living
breathing
loving you no matter the cost
how do we reach a point of such
arrogance to think
that to hurt you at all is not
punishment enough?!
i am so
so
self-
absorbed
and as i stir,
waking at two a.m. in this
camping chair on my porch,
half a pack's worth of
cigarette butts at my feet
killing myself
slowly
with grief,
i pick myself up
i carry my heavy feet to my bed
and i lie down
more awake this night
than maybe i have ever been
hopeful that this
resolve does not fade
too
quickly, that this
aching
burning
desire to emanate /love/
awe
deep, whole gratitude
to have been able to love her
to have the honor
of knowing her and to
stop.
being so
caught up
in all the pain she has ever caused me
it is important.
but it is small and she
is far
more
important.